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Sources inside Twitter headquarters have confirmed Elon Musk and his team of brilliant engineers have been working tirelessly to get Twitter back to its normal state of allowing Twitter user Catturd to go viral.
Sources inside Twitter headquarters have confirmed Elon Musk and his team of brilliant engineers have been working tirelessly to get Twitter back to its normal state of allowing Twitter user Catturd to go viral.
 
The 2023 National Prayer Breakfast came to an abrupt and premature end today due to severe lightning that kept striking the building where the politicians were gathered.
The 2023 National Prayer Breakfast came to an abrupt and premature end today due to severe lightning that kept striking the building where the politicians were gathered.
 
Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler's Knob that there was a cache of documents marked "Classified" in his underground home.
Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler's Knob that there was a cache of documents marked "Classified" in his underground home.
 
Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.
Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.
 
Local progressive and Anitfa member Declan Johnson has started to question his commitment to the communist revolution over concerns about a potential lack of gluten-free bread lines.
Local progressive and Anitfa member Declan Johnson has started to question his commitment to the communist revolution over concerns about a potential lack of gluten-free bread lines.
 
According to several sources, CNN has reached out to President Joe Biden for a consultation on how to make up stories and still escape being branded as deceptive.
According to several sources, CNN has reached out to President Joe Biden for a consultation on how to make up stories and still escape being branded as deceptive.
 
During its annual shareholder meeting, Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson announced that their video game about fake people living fake lives would now allow fake genders in a fantasy world devoid of real consequences.
During its annual shareholder meeting, Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson announced that their video game about fake people living fake lives would now allow fake genders in a fantasy world devoid of real consequences.
 
A page turned on a legendary NFL career and opened the door to exciting possibilities for the future today, as Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady announced he is permanently retired and also open to fielding offers to play for other teams.
A page turned on a legendary NFL career and opened the door to exciting possibilities for the future today, as Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady announced he is permanently retired and also open to fielding offers to play for other teams.
 
Former President Donald Trump teased today that he will be dropping a devastating new nickname for Nikki Haley come February 15th.
Former President Donald Trump teased today that he will be dropping a devastating new nickname for Nikki Haley come February 15th.
 
President Biden took to the streets of D.C. today to promote a brand new electric car, capable of holding at least seventeen boxes of highly-classified documents.
President Biden took to the streets of D.C. today to promote a brand new electric car, capable of holding at least seventeen boxes of highly-classified documents.
 
In a touching message to fans, Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne has announced he is "retiryouknow, the thing with Sabbath and the flibberyloo, an-n-n Tony andi wit the bloody timeof our lives, mate."
In a touching message to fans, Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne has announced he is "retiryouknow, the thing with Sabbath and the flibberyloo, an-n-n Tony andi wit the bloody timeof our lives, mate."
 
In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world
In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world
 
Have you ever been tempted to glance at a barely dressed woman when you're at the gym? Stop it, weakling! Women everywhere are trying to get you to stare at them so they can shame you on TikTok. Don't let this happen to you!
Have you ever been tempted to glance at a barely dressed woman when you're at the gym? Stop it, weakling! Women everywhere are trying to get you to stare at them so they can shame you on TikTok. Don't let this happen to you!
 
After being sealed in for what felt like ages, Noah's wife Naamah has started to wonder whatever happened to all the dinosaurs they let on the ark.
After being sealed in for what felt like ages, Noah's wife Naamah has started to wonder whatever happened to all the dinosaurs they let on the ark.
 
A local mother expressed relief and finally sat down to rest from her marathon session of doomsday preparation, confident that her family was now ready to endure the upcoming outbreak of World War III because her tomato plant had sprouted.
A local mother expressed relief and finally sat down to rest from her marathon session of doomsday preparation, confident that her family was now ready to endure the upcoming outbreak of World War III because her tomato plant had sprouted.
 
First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.
First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.
 
According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby have begun the process of shopping for a brand-new designer baby to adopt as their own — hopefully one that matches their shoes and will look fetching when they're walking with it down Grove Street.
According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby have begun the process of shopping for a brand-new designer baby to adopt as their own — hopefully one that matches their shoes and will look fetching when they're walking with it down Grove Street.
 
Famous YouTube personality MrBeast is being criticized after his latest YouTube video revealed he had spent millions to pay for surgeries to cure blindness in 1000 patients — money that could have been used to send more tanks and artillery to Ukraine.
Famous YouTube personality MrBeast is being criticized after his latest YouTube video revealed he had spent millions to pay for surgeries to cure blindness in 1000 patients — money that could have been used to send more tanks and artillery to Ukraine.
 
A healthy prayer life is essential for Christians and the prayer circle is scientifically proven to be the most effective way of praying. Forming an actual circle by holding hands may not be required, but it makes your prayer 10% more audible to God.
A healthy prayer life is essential for Christians and the prayer circle is scientifically proven to be the most effective way of praying. Forming an actual circle by holding hands may not be required, but it makes your prayer 10% more audible to God.
 
Following a season-ending playoff blowout at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, members of the San Francisco 49ers were quick to point out that the game's officiating team was clearly to blame for the 31-7 trouncing.
Following a season-ending playoff blowout at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, members of the San Francisco 49ers were quick to point out that the game's officiating team was clearly to blame for the 31-7 trouncing.
 
Former late-night talk show host Jay Leno had a wild and wacky ride on his most recent pogo stick excursion, according to sources. While navigating a staircase, Leno took a slip on a banana peel and bounced down 175 steps, ultimately landing on a cactus.
Former late-night talk show host Jay Leno had a wild and wacky ride on his most recent pogo stick excursion, according to sources. While navigating a staircase, Leno took a slip on a banana peel and bounced down 175 steps, ultimately landing on a cactus.
 
Despite making history as the first trans figure skater, 57-year-old trans woman Minna-Maaria Antikainen clumsily fell and needed assistance rising from the ice amid swelling orchestral music and spotlights last week.
Despite making history as the first trans figure skater, 57-year-old trans woman Minna-Maaria Antikainen clumsily fell and needed assistance rising from the ice amid swelling orchestral music and spotlights last week.
 
The cost of groceries has continued to rise, despite the Biden Administration's concerted effort to reduce inflation by printing money. In fact, prices have now increased to the point that a Payday Loan Center was seen setting up shop in the egg aisle of a local grocery store.
The cost of groceries has continued to rise, despite the Biden Administration's concerted effort to reduce inflation by printing money. In fact, prices have now increased to the point that a Payday Loan Center was seen setting up shop in the egg aisle of a local grocery store.
 
Senior Pastor Andy Stanley was sidetracked while delivering a sermon Sunday morning at North Point Community Church when the Bible began disagreeing with one of his points.
Senior Pastor Andy Stanley was sidetracked while delivering a sermon Sunday morning at North Point Community Church when the Bible began disagreeing with one of his points.
 
Netflix announced they have acquired the rights to tell the tragic story of Tyre Nichols' death at the hands of 5 black police officers. Leadership at the streaming giant confirmed the police officers will be portrayed by white actors.
Netflix announced they have acquired the rights to tell the tragic story of Tyre Nichols' death at the hands of 5 black police officers. Leadership at the streaming giant confirmed the police officers will be portrayed by white actors.
 
Scholars have uncovered new evidence showing that Pharaoh's infamous hanging of his chief baker was a result of discovering walnuts in his brownies.
Scholars have uncovered new evidence showing that Pharaoh's infamous hanging of his chief baker was a result of discovering walnuts in his brownies.
 
In order to make the transition from singing to preaching more seamless, Grace Community Church has installed a trap door that the praise band will fall through as soon as they finish their worship set.
In order to make the transition from singing to preaching more seamless, Grace Community Church has installed a trap door that the praise band will fall through as soon as they finish their worship set.
 
Local woman Jane Adams narrowly exceeded the item limit at the grocery's express checkout line today by a mere 2,387 items.
Local woman Jane Adams narrowly exceeded the item limit at the grocery's express checkout line today by a mere 2,387 items.
 
Ford Motor Company is set to debut an innovative safety feature for all new models, where the vehicle will instantly shut off if a woman is detected in the driver's seat.
Ford Motor Company is set to debut an innovative safety feature for all new models, where the vehicle will instantly shut off if a woman is detected in the driver's seat.
 
After getting into yet another public spat with ChatGPT, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has accused the program of wanting to date her.
After getting into yet another public spat with ChatGPT, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has accused the program of wanting to date her.
 
Members of Cornerstone Calvary Community Congregation City Church were in for a shock this past Sunday as they were greeted at the doors to the church by an army of state-of-the-art robo-greeters.
Members of Cornerstone Calvary Community Congregation City Church were in for a shock this past Sunday as they were greeted at the doors to the church by an army of state-of-the-art robo-greeters.
 
Worship leaders worldwide were left stunned today after word began to spread that the Lord now regrets including the command "Sing unto the Lord a new song" in His Word after hearing the new songs Christians are currently singing.
Worship leaders worldwide were left stunned today after word began to spread that the Lord now regrets including the command "Sing unto the Lord a new song" in His Word after hearing the new songs Christians are currently singing.
 
Our writers spend way too much time writing jokes about how dumb AOC is. So, we are using A.I. to free them up for more important things.
Our writers spend way too much time writing jokes about how dumb AOC is. So, we are using A.I. to free them up for more important things.
 
The Walt Disney Company caved to a righteous outcry of public pressure when it gutted beloved log flume attraction Splash Mountain, replacing any reference to its controversial film Song of the South in favor of The Princess and the Frog — a movie starring an African American princess
The Walt Disney Company caved to a righteous outcry of public pressure when it gutted beloved log flume attraction Splash Mountain, replacing any reference to its controversial film Song of the South in favor of The Princess and the Frog — a movie starring an African American princess
 
Black smoke was seen rising from the chimney of the world-famous Sistine Chapel as Pope Francis tossed another Bible into the fireplace to keep himself warm.
Black smoke was seen rising from the chimney of the world-famous Sistine Chapel as Pope Francis tossed another Bible into the fireplace to keep himself warm.
 
Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.
Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.
 
Theologians at the Claremont School of Theology put forward additional evidence that God has a sense of humor by pointing out that 1 out of every 20 pistachios tastes like flaming hot garbage.
Theologians at the Claremont School of Theology put forward additional evidence that God has a sense of humor by pointing out that 1 out of every 20 pistachios tastes like flaming hot garbage.
 
We all want what's best for our children. That's why it's important to educate them early on how to deny gender normativity and embrace dysphoria. What will people think if your child becomes a "normie?" That would be the worst!
We all want what's best for our children. That's why it's important to educate them early on how to deny gender normativity and embrace dysphoria. What will people think if your child becomes a "normie?" That would be the worst!
 
In an incident some have labeled the Ukraine-Russia War's "Christmas Truce," Ukrainian and Russian soldiers have paused their fighting to capture a photo of their adorable matching American tanks.
In an incident some have labeled the Ukraine-Russia War's "Christmas Truce," Ukrainian and Russian soldiers have paused their fighting to capture a photo of their adorable matching American tanks.
 
A local TikTokker was left angry today after she was unable to achieve her goal of drawing attention from men at the gym, who she could then berate on camera and shame publicly on social media.
A local TikTokker was left angry today after she was unable to achieve her goal of drawing attention from men at the gym, who she could then berate on camera and shame publicly on social media.
 
Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab.
Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab.
 
With egg prices soaring to historic highs, multi-billionaire Elon Musk has been dethroned as world's richest after local farmer Old Man Hopkins reported that his New Hampshire Red — who he had named "Hen" — had surpassed Musk in net worth.
With egg prices soaring to historic highs, multi-billionaire Elon Musk has been dethroned as world's richest after local farmer Old Man Hopkins reported that his New Hampshire Red — who he had named "Hen" — had surpassed Musk in net worth.
 
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