The Babylon Bee's Predictions for 2023 | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    It's that time of year again - when the mystic oracles at The Babylon Bee tell you what will happen in the next year with 100% accuracy! Will 2023 be better than this year? You decide!

    January 1 - Millions set out to read their entire Bible

    January 4 - Dozens still reading their entire Bible

    January 6 - AOC dies again of PTSD after recounting her death on January 6

    February 13 - Kamala Harris reports that Biden had an unfortunate accident coming down the stairs

    February 16 - Kamala caught laughing while at Biden's funeral

    February 19 - Kamala Harris sworn in

    February 20 - Weed criminalized heavily in all 50 states

    March 3 - Whoopi Goldberg says something racist

    March 13 - AOC says something stupid

    March 23 - John Fetterman finally finishes taking his oath of office

    April 4 - The war in Ukraine ends

    April 5 - The war in Taiwan begins

    April 12 - SBF says that another $50 million of people's money has gone missing

    May 1 - Obama releases a new memoir

    May 12 - No one shows up to work across America. Also, all Nintendo Switches are sold out for some reason

    May 19 - Webster changes the definition of gender

    May 22 - Bob Iger bends the knee and swears fealty to Ron DeSantis

    May 25 - Public schools announce they will now allow Tuttle Twins books in school libraries

    May 26 - Tuttle Twins books pulled from libraries after students start questioning teachers' bias

    June 4 - Kanye says he's not crazy anymore

    June 5 - Kanye joins the KKK

    July 4 - Zelensky named president of the United States

    August 8 - Dr. Fauci comes out of retirement after new COVID strain leaks from a lab

    August 12 - Alex Jones sued for another $400 trillion billion

    September 15 - Obama releases a new memoir

    September 20 - Elon releases part 3,285 of the Twitter files

    October 27 - Elon Musk buys The View, promptly cancels the show forever

    October 29 - Post Office releases Jan 6 commemorative stamp

    November 9 - Pizzagate conspiracy confirmed true

    November 23 - Brian Stelter retires to Idaho to be with his kind

    November 25 - Elon Musk announces gas-powered Tesla to save us all from the coming ice age

    December 5 - Disney announces Phase 5 of the Marvel Universe will be Brie Larson giving a series of 2-hour TED talks on misogyny.

    December 10 - A late-night host says something funny (hey, we can dream right?)

    December 31 - The last remaining person still reading through their Bible finally finishes it