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The Biden administration is facing pressure from labor activists following a report by the Labor Department that record-high unemployment has hit the talking candies sector. Many are saying this is due to Mars, Inc. firing their M&M's spokescandies and hiring Maya Rudolph instead.
The Biden administration is facing pressure from labor activists following a report by the Labor Department that record-high unemployment has hit the talking candies sector. Many are saying this is due to Mars, Inc. firing their M&M's spokescandies and hiring Maya Rudolph instead.
 
Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has unveiled their new mascot, an adorable glob of platelets who goes by the name "Clotty".
Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has unveiled their new mascot, an adorable glob of platelets who goes by the name "Clotty".
 
After several recent instances of mishandled classified document scandals from both former President Donald J. Trump and current President Joe Biden, former Vice President Mike Pence has turned himself in to his childhood scoutmaster
After several recent instances of mishandled classified document scandals from both former President Donald J. Trump and current President Joe Biden, former Vice President Mike Pence has turned himself in to his childhood scoutmaster
 
VATICAN CITY — Black smoke was seen rising from the chimney of the world-famous Sistine Chapel as Pope Francis tossed another Bible into the fireplace to keep himself warm.
VATICAN CITY — Black smoke was seen rising from the chimney of the world-famous Sistine Chapel as Pope Francis tossed another Bible into the fireplace to keep himself warm.
 
Hey folks, Bernie Sanders here! I am once again asking for your support in eradicating systemic poverty from the face of the earth. America can do it, but we won't because America is immoral and Elon Musk has all the money.
Hey folks, Bernie Sanders here! I am once again asking for your support in eradicating systemic poverty from the face of the earth. America can do it, but we won't because America is immoral and Elon Musk has all the money.
 
Expert analysts of evangelical career trajectories said today that they believe North Point Community Church pastor Andy Stanley is within three years of embracing full-blown atheism, including the frequent wearing of fedoras and use of the term "magical sky daddy."
Expert analysts of evangelical career trajectories said today that they believe North Point Community Church pastor Andy Stanley is within three years of embracing full-blown atheism, including the frequent wearing of fedoras and use of the term "magical sky daddy."
 
According to sources, a local ranch has decided to go green, exchanging their massive herd of beef cows for a herd of more environmentally friendly and delicious crickets.
According to sources, a local ranch has decided to go green, exchanging their massive herd of beef cows for a herd of more environmentally friendly and delicious crickets.
 
According to sources, Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently recruited several Catholic priests to exorcise her home of evil spirits, and as a result, has joined the Republican party.
According to sources, Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently recruited several Catholic priests to exorcise her home of evil spirits, and as a result, has joined the Republican party.
 
In a move celebrated by casual viewers but criticized by longtime fans of C.S. Lewis's children's book series The Chronicles Of Narnia, Netflix has released marketing materials confirming that The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe will feature the first-ever black White Witch.
In a move celebrated by casual viewers but criticized by longtime fans of C.S. Lewis's children's book series The Chronicles Of Narnia, Netflix has released marketing materials confirming that The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe will feature the first-ever black White Witch.
 
The city of Atlanta is entering its second week of violent, fiery riots that have been organized and executed by just an idea.
The city of Atlanta is entering its second week of violent, fiery riots that have been organized and executed by just an idea.
 
Jewish drag queen and 9/11 survivor Congressman George Santos is celebrating this week, having landed a lucrative endorsement deal with Whoppers Original Malted Milk Balls.
Jewish drag queen and 9/11 survivor Congressman George Santos is celebrating this week, having landed a lucrative endorsement deal with Whoppers Original Malted Milk Balls.
 
Local man Gary Marmon climbed to the top of The Forbes 400 after it was revealed he possessed both Taylor Swift tickets and a dozen eggs. Marmon beat out former richest man Elon Musk, who called the newcomer a beacon of inspiration.
Local man Gary Marmon climbed to the top of The Forbes 400 after it was revealed he possessed both Taylor Swift tickets and a dozen eggs. Marmon beat out former richest man Elon Musk, who called the newcomer a beacon of inspiration.
 
In recognition of Biden's tremendous accomplishment of going one full day without more classified documents found at one of his residences, the White House has proudly hung a banner saying: "1 Day Without Classified Documents Being Discovered At President's House."
In recognition of Biden's tremendous accomplishment of going one full day without more classified documents found at one of his residences, the White House has proudly hung a banner saying: "1 Day Without Classified Documents Being Discovered At President's House."
 
In response to an involuntary manslaughter charge stemming from a tragic shooting on the set of the movie Rust, Alec Baldwin's attorneys have announced that their client plans to enter a plea of "Democrat."
In response to an involuntary manslaughter charge stemming from a tragic shooting on the set of the movie Rust, Alec Baldwin's attorneys have announced that their client plans to enter a plea of "Democrat."
 
Jedi Master Yoda, living in self-imposed exile, proudly announced to his first visitor in decades that his pronouns are Him/He.
Jedi Master Yoda, living in self-imposed exile, proudly announced to his first visitor in decades that his pronouns are Him/He.
 
A local pastor was left embarrassed last weekend after proclaiming "Jesus was all about inclusion!" in his sermon, as it was later revealed he had actually been confusing Jesus with Satan the entire time.
A local pastor was left embarrassed last weekend after proclaiming "Jesus was all about inclusion!" in his sermon, as it was later revealed he had actually been confusing Jesus with Satan the entire time.
 
Biden is once again embroiled in scandal after yet another box of his classified documents was found on the clearance shelf of a local Walmart.
Biden is once again embroiled in scandal after yet another box of his classified documents was found on the clearance shelf of a local Walmart.
 
If you've been to church lately, you have probably noticed that the so-called "order of worship" really serves as more of a vague set of suggestions. Here, we present to you a more realistic order of worship, in all its glory:
If you've been to church lately, you have probably noticed that the so-called "order of worship" really serves as more of a vague set of suggestions. Here, we present to you a more realistic order of worship, in all its glory:
 
The World Economic Forum has announced a follow-up to this year's smash musical hit, booking Yoko Ono to yodel for three straight hours.
The World Economic Forum has announced a follow-up to this year's smash musical hit, booking Yoko Ono to yodel for three straight hours.
 
Congregants of the church in Wittenberg have expressed frustration that Martin Luther nailed his list of ninety-five theses to the door in lieu of using the church's suggestion box.
Congregants of the church in Wittenberg have expressed frustration that Martin Luther nailed his list of ninety-five theses to the door in lieu of using the church's suggestion box.
 
Governor Gavin Newsom has found himself once again mired in scandal, this time after being caught dining on eggs cooked on a gas stove at the French Laundry.
Governor Gavin Newsom has found himself once again mired in scandal, this time after being caught dining on eggs cooked on a gas stove at the French Laundry.
 
Local man Harley Richards has become befuddled as people keep repeatedly stealing his flag that says, "Come and take it".
Local man Harley Richards has become befuddled as people keep repeatedly stealing his flag that says, "Come and take it".
 
Peloton has released an innovative new laundry rack that looks exactly like their original exercise bike, for the low cost of five hundred dollars.
Peloton has released an innovative new laundry rack that looks exactly like their original exercise bike, for the low cost of five hundred dollars.
 
While the nationwide labor shortage has been widely reported, one local Chick-Fil-A has suffered from an acute need for more workers. The store manager for the Omaha location says his location is staffed well below the nationwide average, with only 68 people working his drive-thru line.
While the nationwide labor shortage has been widely reported, one local Chick-Fil-A has suffered from an acute need for more workers. The store manager for the Omaha location says his location is staffed well below the nationwide average, with only 68 people working his drive-thru line.
 
According to several reports, everyone from your Jr. High class still thinks about that one time you forgot to zip up your fly, and they laugh about it every single day.
According to several reports, everyone from your Jr. High class still thinks about that one time you forgot to zip up your fly, and they laugh about it every single day.
 
Local sinners Don and Cecily Whitewash were "shaken to the core" Friday after coming to the realization that their children were growing up to be just like them: sinners.
Local sinners Don and Cecily Whitewash were "shaken to the core" Friday after coming to the realization that their children were growing up to be just like them: sinners.
 
After hearing a strange clicking sound emanating from his 2013 Ford Taurus, local man Derrick Snodgram popped the car's hood, thus exhausting his knowledge of how cars work.
After hearing a strange clicking sound emanating from his 2013 Ford Taurus, local man Derrick Snodgram popped the car's hood, thus exhausting his knowledge of how cars work.
 
Local wife Victoria Crab phoned her husband in the early evening Thursday to see if he could run by the store real quick on his way home from work so he could grab a couple thousand items.
Local wife Victoria Crab phoned her husband in the early evening Thursday to see if he could run by the store real quick on his way home from work so he could grab a couple thousand items.
 
While at the World Economic Forum, rightful President Al Gore delivered a stern warning on climate change, saying the world will not make it past the year 2012 if something isn't done immediately.
While at the World Economic Forum, rightful President Al Gore delivered a stern warning on climate change, saying the world will not make it past the year 2012 if something isn't done immediately.
 
Local man Jeremy Clams became bedridden Tuesday after a flu virus brutally assaulted his body with a sore throat, coughing, some body aches, and even a mild fever.
Local man Jeremy Clams became bedridden Tuesday after a flu virus brutally assaulted his body with a sore throat, coughing, some body aches, and even a mild fever.
 
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has been spotted in town after hearing the proposed payment of $5 million in reparations for all black people. The otherwise pasty, white Prime Minister appeared to have painted his entire body with black paint.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has been spotted in town after hearing the proposed payment of $5 million in reparations for all black people. The otherwise pasty, white Prime Minister appeared to have painted his entire body with black paint.
 
The Second Baptist community was in shock last Sunday after setting a record for the shortest Black church service in history. The service, which lasted just four hours and fifty-two minutes, was led by the church's new pastor, Rev. Ralph Washington Jenkins.
The Second Baptist community was in shock last Sunday after setting a record for the shortest Black church service in history. The service, which lasted just four hours and fifty-two minutes, was led by the church's new pastor, Rev. Ralph Washington Jenkins.
 
This week, local man Jeff Jefferson lost an estimated 30 minutes of his wife's attention while showing her a new TV program after she became distracted with each new character introduction and began furiously Googling them to remember where she had seen them before
This week, local man Jeff Jefferson lost an estimated 30 minutes of his wife's attention while showing her a new TV program after she became distracted with each new character introduction and began furiously Googling them to remember where she had seen them before
 
Shockwaves reverberated throughout Egypt today as an international court officially ruled the nation must begin making payments of financial reparations to Israel for hundreds of years of slavery in ancient times.
Shockwaves reverberated throughout Egypt today as an international court officially ruled the nation must begin making payments of financial reparations to Israel for hundreds of years of slavery in ancient times.
 
NHL star Ivan Provorov declined to participate in the Philadelphia Flyers' Pride Night or wear a rainbow-colored jersey, saying if he wanted to support the gay agenda he would have played soccer instead of hockey.
NHL star Ivan Provorov declined to participate in the Philadelphia Flyers' Pride Night or wear a rainbow-colored jersey, saying if he wanted to support the gay agenda he would have played soccer instead of hockey.
 
Local second grader Tim Bumbly has been suspended from Rosa Parks 1619 Obama Elementary for repeatedly misgendering one of the M&M's candies he received in his lunch.
Local second grader Tim Bumbly has been suspended from Rosa Parks 1619 Obama Elementary for repeatedly misgendering one of the M&M's candies he received in his lunch.
 
Have you been wondering why so many people are suddenly collapsing? Well, it's definitely not in any way related to that one thing, that's for sure! The world's top experts have been hard at work studying what could cause this uptick in deaths.
Have you been wondering why so many people are suddenly collapsing? Well, it's definitely not in any way related to that one thing, that's for sure! The world's top experts have been hard at work studying what could cause this uptick in deaths.
 
In a moving press conference following a crushing loss to the Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Tom Brady said how thankful he was to have given up life with a supermodel wife and three beautiful children to lose in the first round of playoffs.
In a moving press conference following a crushing loss to the Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Tom Brady said how thankful he was to have given up life with a supermodel wife and three beautiful children to lose in the first round of playoffs.
 
The Department of Justice has announced that anyone found to have pre-ordered the upcoming Harry Potter franchise game Hogwarts Legacy will be added to an anti-trans watchlist.
The Department of Justice has announced that anyone found to have pre-ordered the upcoming Harry Potter franchise game Hogwarts Legacy will be added to an anti-trans watchlist.
 
Being alive is hard. If you don't eat, you die. But, if you eat the wrong thing, you also die. So be careful out there, friends. What you're eating might be literally killing you!
Being alive is hard. If you don't eat, you die. But, if you eat the wrong thing, you also die. So be careful out there, friends. What you're eating might be literally killing you!
 
World Economic Forum President Børge Brende personally invited John the Baptist to speak at their annual meeting Tuesday after uncovering his propensity for eating disgusting bugs and owning nothing while being happy.
World Economic Forum President Børge Brende personally invited John the Baptist to speak at their annual meeting Tuesday after uncovering his propensity for eating disgusting bugs and owning nothing while being happy.
 
In a leaked episode from the new season of The Mandolorian, it remains unclear whether Grogu collapsed from using too much of his force powers or if he just has myocarditis.
In a leaked episode from the new season of The Mandolorian, it remains unclear whether Grogu collapsed from using too much of his force powers or if he just has myocarditis.
 
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