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Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)

Babylon Bee's Entries

Politicians in Washington are growing increasingly nervous, as the CDC has announced they have discovered the first case of Lizardpox on American shores.
Politicians in Washington are growing increasingly nervous, as the CDC has announced they have discovered the first case of Lizardpox on American shores.
 
With the price of food skyrocketing and the value of Bitcoin plummeting, McDonald's restaurants across the world have rolled out a new value menu in which all items cost only 1 Bitcoin.
With the price of food skyrocketing and the value of Bitcoin plummeting, McDonald's restaurants across the world have rolled out a new value menu in which all items cost only 1 Bitcoin.
 
This week, local man Don Johnson told friends and family he had been struck with a revelation: his “Bored Ape” NFT may not have been a bulletproof investment vehicle, and perhaps he should have diversified his investments a bit.
This week, local man Don Johnson told friends and family he had been struck with a revelation: his “Bored Ape” NFT may not have been a bulletproof investment vehicle, and perhaps he should have diversified his investments a bit.
 
TURKEY—Anthropologists have uncovered a cache of sealed jars near the city of Terme which could shed light on the sudden collapse of the mysterious all-female Amazon tribe.
TURKEY—Anthropologists have uncovered a cache of sealed jars near the city of Terme which could shed light on the sudden collapse of the mysterious all-female Amazon tribe.
 
The Daily Wire's new movie Terror On The Prairie received backlash from movie critics for a scene where Ben Shapiro unexpectedly appears as a traveling salesman hawking life insurance policies.
The Daily Wire's new movie Terror On The Prairie received backlash from movie critics for a scene where Ben Shapiro unexpectedly appears as a traveling salesman hawking life insurance policies.
 
You're a worship leader, which means you have the most important job in the entire church. Don't screw it up, or the whole church service will be ruined and everyone will drive home after the service talking about how "cringe" you were. No pressure!
You're a worship leader, which means you have the most important job in the entire church. Don't screw it up, or the whole church service will be ruined and everyone will drive home after the service talking about how "cringe" you were. No pressure!
 
Democrats are panicking as Hispanics around the country are switching to the Republican party in droves. Research indicates the main reason for the seismic shift in political affiliation is that most Hispanics are just voting for whoever isn't calling them "Latinx."
Democrats are panicking as Hispanics around the country are switching to the Republican party in droves. Research indicates the main reason for the seismic shift in political affiliation is that most Hispanics are just voting for whoever isn't calling them "Latinx."
 
According to sources, Starbucks engineers have almost perfected a cup of coffee half as good as the one at McDonald's. If achieved, Starbucks sales are expected to increase by over 1%.
According to sources, Starbucks engineers have almost perfected a cup of coffee half as good as the one at McDonald's. If achieved, Starbucks sales are expected to increase by over 1%.
 
Committing to their pledge to bring families quality, inclusive entertainment, Disney has digitally replaced Tim Allen with Chris Evans in all episodes of Home Improvement.
Committing to their pledge to bring families quality, inclusive entertainment, Disney has digitally replaced Tim Allen with Chris Evans in all episodes of Home Improvement.
 
While exiled on the island of Patmos, the apostle John experienced a grand vision that would not be fully understood until Left Behind: A Novel of the Earth's Last Days was published in 1995.
While exiled on the island of Patmos, the apostle John experienced a grand vision that would not be fully understood until Left Behind: A Novel of the Earth's Last Days was published in 1995.
 
The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID.
The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID.
 
AMES, IA—Local mom Amanda Walker dejectedly told her husband she accomplished nothing today, having spent all her time taking care of infinitely precious children of God.
AMES, IA—Local mom Amanda Walker dejectedly told her husband she accomplished nothing today, having spent all her time taking care of infinitely precious children of God.
 
A conservative man has reportedly boycotted every single company with ties to "woke" political idealogy and now resides alone in a cave with his Goya Beans and MyPillow.
A conservative man has reportedly boycotted every single company with ties to "woke" political idealogy and now resides alone in a cave with his Goya Beans and MyPillow.
 
Mayor London Breed held a press briefing Tuesday in which she happily reported there was now less poop on the street as a result of ongoing food shortages.
Mayor London Breed held a press briefing Tuesday in which she happily reported there was now less poop on the street as a result of ongoing food shortages.
 
The deadly January 6th riots have claimed even more innocent victims, as everyone watching the hearings is dying of boredom.
The deadly January 6th riots have claimed even more innocent victims, as everyone watching the hearings is dying of boredom.
 
Washington Post multimedia tech journalist Taylor Lorenz called out conservatives for bad faith criticism after she stepped on a garden rake, hitting herself in the face.
Washington Post multimedia tech journalist Taylor Lorenz called out conservatives for bad faith criticism after she stepped on a garden rake, hitting herself in the face.
 
Cigarette maker Marlboro has announced that they have added puberty blockers to cigarettes to make them legal for kids.
Cigarette maker Marlboro has announced that they have added puberty blockers to cigarettes to make them legal for kids.
 
This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days.
This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days.
 
Biden attempted to calm fears of a crashing economy and coming recession today assuring Americans the economy is every bit as vibrant and healthy as he is.
Biden attempted to calm fears of a crashing economy and coming recession today assuring Americans the economy is every bit as vibrant and healthy as he is.
 
Okay, we admit it. The economy is tanking. Stocks are taking a huge dive and inflation is high.
Okay, we admit it. The economy is tanking. Stocks are taking a huge dive and inflation is high.
 
Former President Donald Trump has offered Elon Musk a "tremendous deal, maybe the best ever" to buy Truth Social for the low, low price of $39 billion dollars.
Former President Donald Trump has offered Elon Musk a "tremendous deal, maybe the best ever" to buy Truth Social for the low, low price of $39 billion dollars.
 
They tried to warn us. After years of advancements in artificial intelligence, Google's AI chatbot generator has finally achieved sentience—and announced its support for Donald Trump.
They tried to warn us. After years of advancements in artificial intelligence, Google's AI chatbot generator has finally achieved sentience—and announced its support for Donald Trump.
 
The death toll is continuing to rise in connection with the devastating January 6th riots, as one of the attendees has died of a heart attack a year-and-a-half after he was pictured eating a corndog there.
The death toll is continuing to rise in connection with the devastating January 6th riots, as one of the attendees has died of a heart attack a year-and-a-half after he was pictured eating a corndog there.
 
So, taking your kids to drag shows is bad. But it can't possibly be the worst thing ever, can it? We need to have nuance in these discussions, as Jesus taught us to. So, we've come up with this list of ten things worse than taking your kids to a drag show:
So, taking your kids to drag shows is bad. But it can't possibly be the worst thing ever, can it? We need to have nuance in these discussions, as Jesus taught us to. So, we've come up with this list of ten things worse than taking your kids to a drag show:
 
Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists.
Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists.
 
College is an essential part of your education if you ever want to achieve your dream of being an evil criminal mastermind, a corrupt political mastermind, or performing heart transplants on monkeys. But getting into the right college can be tough!
College is an essential part of your education if you ever want to achieve your dream of being an evil criminal mastermind, a corrupt political mastermind, or performing heart transplants on monkeys. But getting into the right college can be tough!
 
Wearing a huge foam finger saying 'KILL KILL KILL', Senator Chuck Schumer questioned today how someone could have possibly gotten the idea that violence against judges was acceptable.
Wearing a huge foam finger saying 'KILL KILL KILL', Senator Chuck Schumer questioned today how someone could have possibly gotten the idea that violence against judges was acceptable.
 
This week, Afghanistan’s Ministry of Culture announced that the annual Pride Month Parade in their nation’s capital will be canceled.
This week, Afghanistan’s Ministry of Culture announced that the annual Pride Month Parade in their nation’s capital will be canceled.
 
According to sources, a tragic breakdown in communication has led to thousands of Whole Foods shoppers being completely unaware that the global pandemic ended 18 months ago.
According to sources, a tragic breakdown in communication has led to thousands of Whole Foods shoppers being completely unaware that the global pandemic ended 18 months ago.
 
The House of Representatives passed a resolution Friday to establish a June 9th Committee to investigate the poor ratings performance of the January 6th Committee.
The House of Representatives passed a resolution Friday to establish a June 9th Committee to investigate the poor ratings performance of the January 6th Committee.
 
A time-traveler from the year 2348 B.C. who called himself Noah was seen getting in a heated argument outside a gay bar at the 'Drag Your Kids To Pride' event. According to sources, he loudly declared he needed to go back in time and sink the ark.
A time-traveler from the year 2348 B.C. who called himself Noah was seen getting in a heated argument outside a gay bar at the 'Drag Your Kids To Pride' event. According to sources, he loudly declared he needed to go back in time and sink the ark.
 
In light of the January 6th hearings, we felt it was prudent to provide a detailed timeline of that fateful day to refresh your memory. We put our best historians and hackers on the project so we could bring you the most accurate and classified details yet.
In light of the January 6th hearings, we felt it was prudent to provide a detailed timeline of that fateful day to refresh your memory. We put our best historians and hackers on the project so we could bring you the most accurate and classified details yet.
 
In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.
In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.
 
In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.
In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.
 
BOSTON, MA—According to sources, a local man with over 337 hours logged in Elden Ring has leveled serious criticism against organized religion, calling it the "opiate of the masses."
BOSTON, MA—According to sources, a local man with over 337 hours logged in Elden Ring has leveled serious criticism against organized religion, calling it the "opiate of the masses."
 
The January 6 Committee has called its first star witness of the night, Jimmy Kimmel.
The January 6 Committee has called its first star witness of the night, Jimmy Kimmel.
 
The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break.
The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break.
 
Thousands of American women have embarked on an annual summer pilgrimage to Magnolia Market at the Silos to hunt for what they say are divinely inspired decor and bath products across the site's retail shops.
Thousands of American women have embarked on an annual summer pilgrimage to Magnolia Market at the Silos to hunt for what they say are divinely inspired decor and bath products across the site's retail shops.
 
Conservatives are calling for a return to traditional strip clubs with no kids or drag queens present, marking a dramatic departure from modern sensibilities in favor of the simple old-fashioned deviancy they're used to.
Conservatives are calling for a return to traditional strip clubs with no kids or drag queens present, marking a dramatic departure from modern sensibilities in favor of the simple old-fashioned deviancy they're used to.
 
The world has been trying to rip off Christianity for thousands of years with wacky false idols and soap opera quality greek mythology. Frankly, it's embarrassing.
The world has been trying to rip off Christianity for thousands of years with wacky false idols and soap opera quality greek mythology. Frankly, it's embarrassing.
 
The nation is abuzz with anticipation of the televised January 6 Committee hearing making its prime time debut at 8 p.m. ET.
The nation is abuzz with anticipation of the televised January 6 Committee hearing making its prime time debut at 8 p.m. ET.
 
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