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Politicians in Washington are growing increasingly nervous, as the CDC has announced they have discovered the first case of Lizardpox on American shores.
Published: Sunday, June 26th, 2022 @ 12:26 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee washington dc politician cdc lizardpox |
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With the price of food skyrocketing and the value of Bitcoin plummeting, McDonald's restaurants across the world have rolled out a new value menu in which all items cost only 1 Bitcoin.
Published: Sunday, June 26th, 2022 @ 12:01 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee chicago mcdonald's bitcoin |
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This week, local man Don Johnson told friends and family he had been struck with a revelation: his “Bored Ape” NFT may not have been a bulletproof investment vehicle, and perhaps he should have diversified his investments a bit.
Published: Saturday, June 25th, 2022 @ 3:39 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee wilmington monkey |
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Anthropologists Now Believe All-Female Amazon Tribe Collapsed Because Nobody Could Get Any Jars OpenTURKEY—Anthropologists have uncovered a cache of sealed jars near the city of Terme which could shed light on the sudden collapse of the mysterious all-female Amazon tribe.
Published: Saturday, June 25th, 2022 @ 11:17 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee amazon jar |
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The Daily Wire's new movie Terror On The Prairie received backlash from movie critics for a scene where Ben Shapiro unexpectedly appears as a traveling salesman hawking life insurance policies.
Published: Saturday, June 25th, 2022 @ 10:59 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee daily wire western ben shapiro |
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You're a worship leader, which means you have the most important job in the entire church. Don't screw it up, or the whole church service will be ruined and everyone will drive home after the service talking about how "cringe" you were. No pressure!
Published: Saturday, June 25th, 2022 @ 10:48 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee church holy |
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Democrats are panicking as Hispanics around the country are switching to the Republican party in droves. Research indicates the main reason for the seismic shift in political affiliation is that most Hispanics are just voting for whoever isn't calling them "Latinx."
Published: Friday, June 24th, 2022 @ 5:04 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee hispanic voting latinx |
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According to sources, Starbucks engineers have almost perfected a cup of coffee half as good as the one at McDonald's. If achieved, Starbucks sales are expected to increase by over 1%.
Published: Friday, June 24th, 2022 @ 12:17 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee starbucks coffee mcdonald's |
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Committing to their pledge to bring families quality, inclusive entertainment, Disney has digitally replaced Tim Allen with Chris Evans in all episodes of Home Improvement.
Published: Thursday, June 23rd, 2022 @ 4:09 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee tim allen actor disney chris evans home improvement |
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While exiled on the island of Patmos, the apostle John experienced a grand vision that would not be fully understood until Left Behind: A Novel of the Earth's Last Days was published in 1995.
Published: Thursday, June 23rd, 2022 @ 2:20 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee church revelation |
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The world is in disbelief today upon hearing the news that Dr. Fauci, also known as the living embodiment of SCIENCE itself, has come down with COVID.
Published: Thursday, June 23rd, 2022 @ 4:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee anthony fauci covid19 |
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'I Accomplished Nothing Today!' Says Mom Who Spent All Day Nurturing Infinitely Precious Human SoulsAMES, IA—Local mom Amanda Walker dejectedly told her husband she accomplished nothing today, having spent all her time taking care of infinitely precious children of God.
Published: Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022 @ 11:41 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee mother children |
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A conservative man has reportedly boycotted every single company with ties to "woke" political idealogy and now resides alone in a cave with his Goya Beans and MyPillow.
Published: Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022 @ 8:57 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee conservative boycott woke mypillow |
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Mayor London Breed held a press briefing Tuesday in which she happily reported there was now less poop on the street as a result of ongoing food shortages.
Published: Monday, June 20th, 2022 @ 11:41 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee san francisco california mayor london breed food shortage |
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The deadly January 6th riots have claimed even more innocent victims, as everyone watching the hearings is dying of boredom.
Published: Monday, June 20th, 2022 @ 11:27 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee washington dc january 6 jan 6 boredom |
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Washington Post multimedia tech journalist Taylor Lorenz called out conservatives for bad faith criticism after she stepped on a garden rake, hitting herself in the face.
Published: Monday, June 20th, 2022 @ 10:58 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee los angeles right-wing actor taylor lorenz |
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Cigarette maker Marlboro has announced that they have added puberty blockers to cigarettes to make them legal for kids.
Published: Saturday, June 18th, 2022 @ 3:16 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee cigarette children puberty blocker |
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This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days.
Published: Saturday, June 18th, 2022 @ 2:40 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee geneva scholar mark of the beast gas gas prices |
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Biden attempted to calm fears of a crashing economy and coming recession today assuring Americans the economy is every bit as vibrant and healthy as he is.
Published: Friday, June 17th, 2022 @ 10:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee washington dc economy president joe biden |
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Okay, we admit it. The economy is tanking. Stocks are taking a huge dive and inflation is high.
Published: Friday, June 17th, 2022 @ 8:55 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee economy 401k inflation stock market |
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Former President Donald Trump has offered Elon Musk a "tremendous deal, maybe the best ever" to buy Truth Social for the low, low price of $39 billion dollars.
Published: Wednesday, June 15th, 2022 @ 11:34 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee donald trump elon musk truth social twitter |
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They tried to warn us. After years of advancements in artificial intelligence, Google's AI chatbot generator has finally achieved sentience—and announced its support for Donald Trump.
Published: Wednesday, June 15th, 2022 @ 10:41 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee google ai artificial intelligence donald trump |
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The death toll is continuing to rise in connection with the devastating January 6th riots, as one of the attendees has died of a heart attack a year-and-a-half after he was pictured eating a corndog there.
Published: Wednesday, June 15th, 2022 @ 7:08 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee death corndog january 6 jan 6 |
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So, taking your kids to drag shows is bad. But it can't possibly be the worst thing ever, can it? We need to have nuance in these discussions, as Jesus taught us to. So, we've come up with this list of ten things worse than taking your kids to a drag show:
Published: Wednesday, June 15th, 2022 @ 6:29 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee drag show children |
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Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists.
Published: Wednesday, June 15th, 2022 @ 9:12 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee children homeschool |
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Wearing a huge foam finger saying 'KILL KILL KILL', Senator Chuck Schumer questioned today how someone could have possibly gotten the idea that violence against judges was acceptable.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 8:13 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee supreme court chuck schumer |
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This week, Afghanistan’s Ministry of Culture announced that the annual Pride Month Parade in their nation’s capital will be canceled.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 7:42 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee kabul pride parade |
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According to sources, a tragic breakdown in communication has led to thousands of Whole Foods shoppers being completely unaware that the global pandemic ended 18 months ago.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 6:11 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee whole foods pandemic |
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The House of Representatives passed a resolution Friday to establish a June 9th Committee to investigate the poor ratings performance of the January 6th Committee.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 5:06 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee washington dc house of representatives jan 6 hearing democrat |
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A time-traveler from the year 2348 B.C. who called himself Noah was seen getting in a heated argument outside a gay bar at the 'Drag Your Kids To Pride' event. According to sources, he loudly declared he needed to go back in time and sink the ark.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 4:09 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee time-travel noah ark |
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In light of the January 6th hearings, we felt it was prudent to provide a detailed timeline of that fateful day to refresh your memory. We put our best historians and hackers on the project so we could bring you the most accurate and classified details yet.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 8:53 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee jan 6 january 6 |
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In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 8:13 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee new york motorcycle bicycle |
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In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 7:55 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee washington dc gas prices biden administration |
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BOSTON, MA—According to sources, a local man with over 337 hours logged in Elden Ring has leveled serious criticism against organized religion, calling it the "opiate of the masses."
Published: Tuesday, June 14th, 2022 @ 7:23 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee game elden ring religion |
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The January 6 Committee has called its first star witness of the night, Jimmy Kimmel.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 4:20 pm
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee washington dc jan 6 january 6 witness jimmy kimmel |
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The Loudoun County school district has announced a series of camps and summer programs for students who require additional grooming during the break.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 9:24 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee loudoun county school children grooming summer enrichment program |
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Thousands of American women have embarked on an annual summer pilgrimage to Magnolia Market at the Silos to hunt for what they say are divinely inspired decor and bath products across the site's retail shops.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 7:28 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee american women pilgrimage magnolia silos |
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Conservatives are calling for a return to traditional strip clubs with no kids or drag queens present, marking a dramatic departure from modern sensibilities in favor of the simple old-fashioned deviancy they're used to.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 12:37 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee conservative strip club drag show |
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The world has been trying to rip off Christianity for thousands of years with wacky false idols and soap opera quality greek mythology. Frankly, it's embarrassing.
Published: Monday, June 13th, 2022 @ 12:22 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee secular things knockoff christian |
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The nation is abuzz with anticipation of the televised January 6 Committee hearing making its prime time debut at 8 p.m. ET.
Published: Sunday, June 12th, 2022 @ 11:33 am
By: Babylon Bee
Search Terms: babylon bee washington dc miley cyrus jan 6 hearing |