Babylon Bee | Eastern North Carolina Now

Babylon Bee  

Humor in the most unusual of all places - in the politics of our everyday lives.

Finding a good, Christian girl has never been harder. That's why The Babylon Bee is here to help out by offering you this tried and tested list of the absolute best places to look.
Finding a good, Christian girl has never been harder. That's why The Babylon Bee is here to help out by offering you this tried and tested list of the absolute best places to look.
 
Authorities announced they had no choice but to put down Stephen Colbert after the late-night host tragically went mad from rabies last week.
Authorities announced they had no choice but to put down Stephen Colbert after the late-night host tragically went mad from rabies last week.
 
What began as a pleasant seminar at Lakewood Church devolved into an awkward situation today, as Senior Pastor Joel Osteen was stumped by one attendee who asked him to name three books from the Bible.
What began as a pleasant seminar at Lakewood Church devolved into an awkward situation today, as Senior Pastor Joel Osteen was stumped by one attendee who asked him to name three books from the Bible.
 
In a startling new study reviewed by Congress, it was revealed that a staggering 3 million Americans lost their lives last year fishing around in the crack of their seats while driving for lost Chick-fil-A waffle fries.
In a startling new study reviewed by Congress, it was revealed that a staggering 3 million Americans lost their lives last year fishing around in the crack of their seats while driving for lost Chick-fil-A waffle fries.
 
In an unexpected turn of events, Vice President Kamala Harris was removed from the top spot of "Worst Diversity Hire of All Time"
In an unexpected turn of events, Vice President Kamala Harris was removed from the top spot of "Worst Diversity Hire of All Time"
 
A surprise late entrant, former President Donald Trump absolutely dominated the NBA Dunk Contest after strapping on a pair of his brand-new sneakers known as the "Never Surrender High Tops".
A surprise late entrant, former President Donald Trump absolutely dominated the NBA Dunk Contest after strapping on a pair of his brand-new sneakers known as the "Never Surrender High Tops".
 
According to sources, local husband and father Ben Arnold converted to the Jehovah's Witness religion in a daring gambit to avoid putting up Christmas lights this season.
According to sources, local husband and father Ben Arnold converted to the Jehovah's Witness religion in a daring gambit to avoid putting up Christmas lights this season.
 
SANTA ANA, CA — A local professing Christian notified his friends, family members, and everyone who attended his church that, while he was not removing Jesus from his life, he was leaving religion behind.
SANTA ANA, CA — A local professing Christian notified his friends, family members, and everyone who attended his church that, while he was not removing Jesus from his life, he was leaving religion behind.
 
As children of the 1980s now having our own kids, we often look back at our own childhoods and think: "I can't believe my parents let me do that." Parenting back in the 1980s was simply a different ball game than parenting today.
As children of the 1980s now having our own kids, we often look back at our own childhoods and think: "I can't believe my parents let me do that." Parenting back in the 1980s was simply a different ball game than parenting today.
 
President Biden lashed out at critics who questioned his cognitive ability Thursday, telling reporters at the White House that he can't remember a single time when his memory failed him.
President Biden lashed out at critics who questioned his cognitive ability Thursday, telling reporters at the White House that he can't remember a single time when his memory failed him.
 
It has come to our attention that the delightfully witty satirists of The Washington Post are going on strike this week. We here at The Babylon Bee stand in solidarity with our fellow comedians and join them in demanding fair wages.
It has come to our attention that the delightfully witty satirists of The Washington Post are going on strike this week. We here at The Babylon Bee stand in solidarity with our fellow comedians and join them in demanding fair wages.
 
IOWA CITY, IA — On the other end of the spectrum from "DINK" (Dual Income No Kids) families, local Mormon parents Logan and Stacy Jensen have proudly claimed the rare title of "OINKs", meaning a family with one income and nine kids.
IOWA CITY, IA — On the other end of the spectrum from "DINK" (Dual Income No Kids) families, local Mormon parents Logan and Stacy Jensen have proudly claimed the rare title of "OINKs", meaning a family with one income and nine kids.
 
A local man expressed confusion today, wondering why he should look forward to playing the upcoming Grand Theft Auto VI when he can simply walk outside and experience committing horrifically violent crimes without any consequences in real life.
A local man expressed confusion today, wondering why he should look forward to playing the upcoming Grand Theft Auto VI when he can simply walk outside and experience committing horrifically violent crimes without any consequences in real life.
 
It's Christmas time again! Parents are looking for the perfect gift for kids of all ages, which can be especially tough if your child is attending a prestigious, virulently antisemitic institution like Harvard!
It's Christmas time again! Parents are looking for the perfect gift for kids of all ages, which can be especially tough if your child is attending a prestigious, virulently antisemitic institution like Harvard!
 
The Babylon Bee has officially announced its person of the year: housewife Christina Meyers, 34, of Boise Idaho.
The Babylon Bee has officially announced its person of the year: housewife Christina Meyers, 34, of Boise Idaho.
 
Special Counsel Robert Hur will not recommend charges for Biden's mishandling of classified documents on the grounds that he's too old and senile to stand trial.
Special Counsel Robert Hur will not recommend charges for Biden's mishandling of classified documents on the grounds that he's too old and senile to stand trial.
 
Despite a variety of pressing matters demanding his attention both domestically and abroad, President Joe Biden told reporters he's looking forward to a great Super Bowl tonight.
Despite a variety of pressing matters demanding his attention both domestically and abroad, President Joe Biden told reporters he's looking forward to a great Super Bowl tonight.
 
Female athlete Kelly Baker was expelled from her university this week after refusing to have her skull fractured by a man, reports claim.
Female athlete Kelly Baker was expelled from her university this week after refusing to have her skull fractured by a man, reports claim.
 
In testimony before the United States Congress, Ivy League presidents showed off nice new mustaches while explaining to House members that not all calls for mass murder are wrong.
In testimony before the United States Congress, Ivy League presidents showed off nice new mustaches while explaining to House members that not all calls for mass murder are wrong.
 
FAYETTEVILLE, AR — As the December days began to tick away, a local man grew so desperate in his attempt to buy his wife a great Christmas gift that he decided to reach out to the National Security Agency to find out what she wants.
FAYETTEVILLE, AR — As the December days began to tick away, a local man grew so desperate in his attempt to buy his wife a great Christmas gift that he decided to reach out to the National Security Agency to find out what she wants.
 
Acknowledging the current hostile climate toward Jews around the globe, a local Jewish family decided to carry out their traditional Hanukkah celebration this year in the safety of their neighbor's attic.
Acknowledging the current hostile climate toward Jews around the globe, a local Jewish family decided to carry out their traditional Hanukkah celebration this year in the safety of their neighbor's attic.
 
While America still has a long way to go before being properly rife with diversity, equity, and inclusion in every part of society, today marks a big step in the right direction.
While America still has a long way to go before being properly rife with diversity, equity, and inclusion in every part of society, today marks a big step in the right direction.
 
According to sources, the Carter family, who turned heads this past Halloween with a giant 12-foot skeleton on their lawn, still hasn't taken the thing down and doesn't seem to have any plans to do so. So, it looks like they're just gonna leave the thing up all winter then, huh?
According to sources, the Carter family, who turned heads this past Halloween with a giant 12-foot skeleton on their lawn, still hasn't taken the thing down and doesn't seem to have any plans to do so. So, it looks like they're just gonna leave the thing up all winter then, huh?
 
In response to increasing displays of antisemitism across the country and around the world, authorities have advised Jewish people to protect themselves from violent attacks by no longer being Jewish.
In response to increasing displays of antisemitism across the country and around the world, authorities have advised Jewish people to protect themselves from violent attacks by no longer being Jewish.
 
Recent reports shining a harsh light on illiteracy among public school students have sparked concern among public educators. Public school teachers and their unions are warning that high illiteracy rates may prevent kids from reading about gay sex.
Recent reports shining a harsh light on illiteracy among public school students have sparked concern among public educators. Public school teachers and their unions are warning that high illiteracy rates may prevent kids from reading about gay sex.
 
After the shock of a Special Counsel report that characterized the President as mentally incompetent to stand trial, Biden has joined the growing chorus of voices in calling for the President to step down.
After the shock of a Special Counsel report that characterized the President as mentally incompetent to stand trial, Biden has joined the growing chorus of voices in calling for the President to step down.
 
A beautiful visual delight was witnessed today as the sun set over the horizon, dazzling onlookers.
A beautiful visual delight was witnessed today as the sun set over the horizon, dazzling onlookers.
 
Instead of a concert, Usher surprised the nation by using the Super Bowl halftime show to perform a live commercial for Old Spice antiperspirant.
Instead of a concert, Usher surprised the nation by using the Super Bowl halftime show to perform a live commercial for Old Spice antiperspirant.
 
Studies have shown that there is never a "bad" time to fire up a cigar, but there are some instances when it's just more enjoyable or impactful than others.
Studies have shown that there is never a "bad" time to fire up a cigar, but there are some instances when it's just more enjoyable or impactful than others.
 
A local uncultured peasant was unable to make it to work Monday because his Uber driver arrived in a brand-new Tesla Model 3 and he couldn't figure out how to open the door.
A local uncultured peasant was unable to make it to work Monday because his Uber driver arrived in a brand-new Tesla Model 3 and he couldn't figure out how to open the door.
 
Former comedy legend and prolific rapist Bill Cosby announced outside his home this week that he has officially joined the terrorist group Hamas in an apparent attempt to convince progressive feminists to stop criticizing his raping behavior.
Former comedy legend and prolific rapist Bill Cosby announced outside his home this week that he has officially joined the terrorist group Hamas in an apparent attempt to convince progressive feminists to stop criticizing his raping behavior.
 
Upon witnessing the unbridled joy that comes with being treated for Hepatitis B, local man Mark Stanton has set his hopes on one day achieving that same level of happiness.
Upon witnessing the unbridled joy that comes with being treated for Hepatitis B, local man Mark Stanton has set his hopes on one day achieving that same level of happiness.
 
In a beautiful act of protest, the private planes of several climate activists stuck themselves to the runway with giant sheets of ice.
In a beautiful act of protest, the private planes of several climate activists stuck themselves to the runway with giant sheets of ice.
 
In a bizarre coincidence, Senator John Fetterman has suddenly become more conservative after his brain resumed working.
In a bizarre coincidence, Senator John Fetterman has suddenly become more conservative after his brain resumed working.
 
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