Historic Observations | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Stan has spurred me to further research over the Conservative / Liberal split. Unbeknownst to me a good old High School buddy supplied me with the ultimate answer!

    I had to quickly share it with the world so you also would be informed about how the Conservatives should rule NC and America. I can't wait for my free beer from them. . . Hope they don't use water from the fracked streams and rivers of inner NC . . . It might taste a little funny and we will incur felony charges if we reveal the chemicals used in the withdrawal of oil from our state.

    Have no fears, however, Burr and Tillis are now working to get offshore drilling approved in the Graveyard of the Atlantic. To hell with the Outer Banks if there is a "slight spill" from the vicious winter storms and a hurricane sure to pass every 3-5 years! Ignore any tar balls already washing up from the Gulf BP spill. Buy Gulf shrimp and oysters this year. They are cheap over suspicions of toxins from the oil dispersants sprayed to get the oil there to go to the bottom.

    Locals won't eat or buy them----but us folks, especially Conservatives, love saving money with cheap seafood from the Gulf of Mexico.

    For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1 . Liberals a/k/a Democrats, and

    2. Conservatives a/k/a Republicans.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

    Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

    Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

    Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note : most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Craft Beers. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than North Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming over here. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.


    Here ends today's lesson in world history.

    It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to piss them off.

    And there you have it, period. Let your next action reveal your true self. I'm going to have another beer.
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Comments

( January 25th, 2015 @ 1:47 pm )
 
How did it come and go so fast, though????
( January 25th, 2015 @ 1:46 pm )
 
Somehow I knew you would so I have a Conservative streak in me (for a so-called Liberal)
( January 24th, 2015 @ 11:51 am )
 
It is rather farcical, but I do enjoy your friend's take.



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