Crisis of Double Retirement | Eastern North Carolina Now

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

    I just returned from a visit to my almost 97-year-old mother in Atlanta. We stayed with my classmate from Clarkston High School 1963. He and his wife are both in the same class with me so we are all Baby boomers now reaching the final stage of marriage---RETIREMENT YEARS.

    We arrived after supper and my friend was excited to talk with me about his last year since we visited. He was more anxious and honest than I could have imagined. The topic was our classmates and us now retiring and having to stay together 24/7 under the same roof. My wife has come home to me a year ago. His is about to retire and has just had serious surgery and recovery with him being the caregiver. My friend was more than anxious to discuss other people we know reaching this final stage of marriage.

     •  Here are the things he described in such honesty:

     •  Many realizing they hate each other's guts and living apart without divorce

     •  Others in a constant clash over "who is boss"

     •  Having to deal with aged and dying parents along with settling estates upon death

     •  The fact that we expected joy and peace and, instead, have much angst and turmoil

     •  Our shared experience of a child making a bad marriage decision and then divorce

     •  Grandchildren needing our continued help and encouragement

    Some of these things are a product of life and aging and they come together. Others are standing along and deserve a look and some compassionate counsel. My entire life and training are about trying to listen and help people in trouble over life. Let me address some of these things all us older citizens are facing today.

    CLASHING OVER WHO IS BOSS / STARTING TO HATE IN WAYS NEVER IMAGINED

    I can only speak from personal experience to this. My wife and I are both the eldest child in the family. I had 3 siblings and she has 2. Mine are a brother almost a year younger than me along with a sister (now deceased) 6 years younger and another 12 years younger. Her mother died of cancer when my wife was 16. This left them with 2 other girls. One was 3 years younger and the other was 5 years younger. In effect, my wife as a teen girl was suddenly the female in charge with a grandmother and aunt to assist them.

    The first thing to realize is that by all prospects, my wife and I are destined to clash due to birth order. Few oldest children who marry can work out the clash between being first and then deciding how to put their lives together. The prognosticators of "good marriages" say children different in birth order stand the best chance. Those who are either first or last have conflicts.

    No matter what --- marriage is just 2 people "in lust" learning to mature to the point they can love and become good and responsible parents to their expected children. It is hard work to move from lust to relationship. As a minister in pre-marital counseling I never met a couple who were really honest with one another and me. Therefore, I used the ceremony and its meaning as a basic discussion. The second was a most important question I asked of each:

    What do you think of your prospective mate's same-sex parent?

    I would ask the guy, "What do you think of your future wife's mother?" To the bride it was, "What do you think of your future Father-in-Law?" They would always struggle to be nice and often you could tell it was a big fat lie to please their fiancé!

    My job was to point out to them both that in a few years of marriage they would discover their new spouse to be more like his same-sex parent than they imagined! All I could really say was, "If you find a clash, you need to discuss this seriously with each other. I do not act as your judge. I DO think your lust of today will turn into a reality in a short time and if you hate how your new In-Law acts, there will be problems between the 2 of you! No marriage is perfect. It is a product of give and take."

    The core of Old Age marriage hate is found in basic differences of outlook from the child years of embedding an image of "momma and daddy." As I viewed what my friend described with his wife and what I know with my wife, the core of our angst is over different perceptions of relationships of a lifetime.

    My wife and I are renewing our marriage as we enter the last years of relationship. It is hard work to be nice when some of the lust is gone. The question is what do you use to replace the physical excitement of your youth and middle years? If we work at being friends as well as lovers, we stand a chance of Peace and Love to the end. The alternative is to be lonely and full of hate for the one you live with under the roof.

    Many older couples are struggling after the Great Recession robbed us of about half the money we had saved for a comfortable retirement. That alone is a source of anger. Beware lest that anger be focused on your spouse rather than the bad theories of taxation and economy that have caused America to fail economically. Much of the loss was beyond our control.

    Blame the ones responsible rather than one another, is the best advice I can give.

    Simple loss of hearing and failure to take time to talk and COMMUNICATE is the big core of old age frustrations, in my view. My wife shared a statement I printed and hung on my desk:

     •  10% of conflicts are due to difference in opinion.

     •  90% are due to Wrong tone of Voice.

     •  I am trying to do better. I wish all of you good luck and good communication in the latter years of marriage. I can assure you no one can do it for you

     •  You must take responsibility to work on the last phase of marriage and communication . . .