Funny Stories and Low Tales | Eastern North Carolina Now

   Publisher's note: Just a few more funny stories and low tales from our friend, Gene, which is our way of saying: "Have a good day."

Funeral Expenses?

    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in jerusalem.

    While they were there, the wife passed away.

    The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her buried here in the holy land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

    The husband thought about it and told the Undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

    The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, And it would only cost $150????"

    The husband replied, "long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"

Liver and Cheese

    There's a Chihuahua and a Pit Bull sitting at the bar.

    In walks a hottie of a Poodle, strutting her stuff.

    The bartender bets both of them that they could not pick up on her, with a line using the words "liver" and "cheese".

    The Pit Bull goes first and walks proudly over to her and says "I got some liver back at my place." She turns her nose up, and looks the other way. He then says "I bet when you cut the cheese, it smells sweet." She almost gagged with disgust, and was getting ready to walk out, when the Chihuahua rolls up, and says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"


   

A Child's Story

    A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

    The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell in it and you say something with ass."

    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

    WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

    His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

    "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.

The Horth

    This couple owns a horse farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells them, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."

    The midget arrives, and the owners ask if he wants a male or female horse.

    "A female horth", the midget replies. So the owners show him a mare.

    The midget says, "Wet me thee her feet." So they pick up and inspect all her feet.

    "Nith looking horth, can you pick me up an' wet me thee her mouf?" So the guy picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

    "Nith mouf, hold me up a little higher tho I can thee her eyeths?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.

    "Ok, waise me up a wittle higher tho I can wook in her eerths." Now the owner is getting a little pissed!, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the horses ears.

    "OK, now, tan I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget walks around behind and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out.

    Shaking his head and wiping his face, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Tan I thee her wun Awownd?

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Blonde Genies

    After coming upon a bottle on the beach and rubbing it, two blonde genies appear. Allowing the man to make three wishes for releasing them from the bottle. He makes his three wishes and suddenly finds himself in a beautiful mansion with money scattered all over the floor and beautiful naked women everywhere. Suddenly a knock at the door and after opening it there stands six Klu Klux Klansmen, they grab him and strings him up at the closet tree until he is dead.

    Walking away the two genies are shaking there heads and one says to the other, I could understand him wanting all that wealth and I could understand him wanting all of those beautiful naked women but I just couldn't understand why he would want to be hung like a black man.