Heaven Help Us and Thank God for Bob Hope | Eastern North Carolina Now

   Just a few more funny stories and low tales from our friend, Gene, which is our way of saying: "Have a good day."

Heaven and Hell

    While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

    They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...???

    So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

    "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

    The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

On Bob Hope: Tribute to a man who Did make a difference.

    On Turning 70
    'I still chase women, but only downhill'.

    On Turning 80
    'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

    On Turning 90
    'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

    On Turning 100
    'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

    On Giving Up his Early Early Career, Boxing.     'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

    On Never Winning as Oscar
    'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

    On Golf
    'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

    On Presidents
    'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

    On Why he Chose Showbiz for his Career
    'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

    On Receiving the Congressional Gold Medal
    'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

    On his Family's Early Poverty
    'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

    On his Six Brothers
    'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

    On His Early Failures
    'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

    On Going to Heaven
    'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

Seventeen Lines to Make you Smile

    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was god and I didn't.

    2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    8. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

    9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    10. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    11. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    12. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

    13. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

    14. Procrastinate Now!

    15. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    16. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

    17. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

    Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!