10 More Environmentally Friendly Alternatives To Using Electricity | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Hey there, person! Are you still using electricity? We all know electricity makes the earth cry, which is why California recently banned it altogether. If you are one of the heartless few still using electricity to cool your home or charge your phone, here are 10 electricity alternatives. Try them all to become a better human being!

1. Buy an electric car so you can burn it for warmth: Those lithium batteries really light up!
2. Offer burnt sacrifices to an ancient pagan god so he'll give you mild weather: You won't have to turn on the AC ever again!
3. Just die: Problem solved! Just make sure your death with dignity is handled by a trusted healthcare professional.
4. Get transferred into the body of a blue alien on a distant planet's moon and then fall in love with one of the locals while learning to live off of the land naturally and then betray the entire human race: No electricity though. Hooray!
5. Become Amish: Wait - they use electricity now? Never mind.
6. Use your neighbor's electricity: That's socialism!
7. Weld four mechanical arms to your body and create the power of the sun in the palm of your hand: If Doc Ock can do it, so can you.
8. Get around town in a golden throne carried by servants: Make sure you have an extra servant trailing behind to fan you and feed you grapes.
9. Become a very important billionaire or politician: Their electricity usage doesn't count. Life hack!
10. Have lots and lots of good intentions because they make you feel really warm inside: Entire cities can be powered by good intentions.