In Bid For 5-Star Yelp Reviews, Church Installs USB-C Chargers In Pews | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    CARROLLTON, TX     A local church announced the launch of a new campaign this week to attain a 5-star rating on Yelp by installing often-requested USB-C charging ports in each pew.

    "We had plateaued at 4.7 stars for months, but these charging ports got us unstuck," said TruthPoint Church's Online Reviews Pastor Jeff Lee in a Monday video announcement to church staffers. "At this rate, by the grace of God, we'll hit 5 stars by the end of the year!"

    TruthPoint's senior leadership had grown concerned about the church's decline in average star rating on Yelp, which has democratized criticism of pizza parlors, adult undergarment shops, and Christ's Bride, the Church. "I know Jesus said 'I will build my Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it,' but, man, these bad Yelp reviews were really hurting our online footprint," said TruthPoint Senior Pastor Conrad Thompson.

    Previous disappointing reviews from young, hip churchgoers pointed the finger squarely at the church's lack of updated USB ports. "USB micro ports?! What year is this - 2013?!" an old 1-star review asked. "Sorry, I use a smart phone made in this decade. And you call yourselves Christians?!"

    At publishing time, the church announced that Phase 2 of their online review campaign would include food and drink orders made from the pews, administered by Hooters-style waitresses.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




White House Announces All Conspiracy Theories Are True Except For The One About Biden Stealing The Presidency Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics How do you turn around a failing school?


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Pope Francis stated in a new interview that the Catholic Church in the West could theoretically consider lifting its ban on priests marrying, calling the tradition of celibacy for priests a “temporal” discipline rather than an eternal dictate.
says Democrats no longer represent his moral views
President Joe Biden patted himself on the back Monday morning as multiple banks have collapsed in recent days, claiming that the “quick action” of his administration has stabilized the banking industry.
Rates of violent crime and other behavioral problems spiked in recent months as students returned to North Carolina public school classrooms after government-forced closures and remote learning schedules.
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said Sunday that there would be no bailout for the collapsed Silicon Valley Bank.
In my family the song “Daddy sang base, Mama sang tenor” was not far from the truth. Only in my family Daddy sang bass, mama played the piano.
NBC News host Chuck Todd complained over the weekend that Florida Republican Governor Ron DeSantis signed into law “Victims of Communism Day” which teaches students in the state the far-left ideology’s murderous history.
The U.S. Supreme Court has issued an order asking for more information in the Moore v. Harper redistricting case. Justices want to know how a rehearing in a related N.C. Supreme Court case this month affects the legal landscape.
Federal regulators announced over the weekend that they will fully back all depositors of Silicon Valley Bank, guaranteeing that they are paid back in full after the bank collapsed last week.

HbAD1

Former President Trump might be glad Signature Bank refused his business following the Capitol riot, now that the New York-based lender is the latest institution to be shut down by regulators.
Duke Energy Carolinas wants to increase residential rates for its customers between 16.2 and 16.6% by Sept. 1 and an additional 0.4% by Jan. 1. The utility is also seeking a rate hike for commercial and industrial customers. Rates would increase by 12.1% and 15.2%.
bought Manhattan prosecutor's office for $1 million
Pope Francis criticized radical gender ideology in a recent interview, referring to it as “one of the most dangerous ideological colonizations” in the current public discourse.
Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen.
House Intelligence Committee Chairman Mike Turner (R-OH) said that communist China is using TikTok to make its way into U.S. data systems as calls grow for the federal government to ban the app.
Gov. Cooper Proposes Historic Investments in Education, Economic Development, and Workforce Without Raising Taxes
Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC) brought up left-wing riots during an interview over the weekend when asked about the recent media coverage surrounding the January 6 riot following the release of thousands of hours of video footage from the incident.
General Assembly leaders agreed to a bottom-line budget number last week, kicking off the biennium budget season. Senate Leader Phil Berger (R-Rockingham) and House Speaker Tim Moore (R-Cleveland) announced that General Fund spending would increase by 6.5% in the first year

HbAD2

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Mike Turner (R-OH) slammed Dr. Anthony Fauci, former director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, over the weekend for making statements about the origins of COVID that are not supported by the findings of the U.S. intelligence
In recent months, Republican Governors like Gregg Abbott have continued their cruel campaign against parents who pursue constitutionally-protected avenues for cleaning their children.
Senator John Kennedy (R-LA) said during an interview on Sunday that when he approached President Joe Biden about using the U.S. military to take out Mexican drug cartels, the president rebuffed him and said that it was a “bad idea.”
In a press conference Thursday, Senate Leader Phil Berger and House Speaker Tim Moore announced that an agreement has been reached between the chambers to expand the federal Medicaid entitlement program in North Carolina.
House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Michael McCaul (R-TX) said on Sunday that testimony from a U.S. Marine Corps Sergeant about President Joe Biden’s disastrous pullout from Afghanistan was “devastating and damaging to the administration.”
Today, Republican National Committee (RNC) Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel released the following statement on February's Producer Price Index:
Former Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker explained to Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) this week how President Joe Biden’s Department of Justice is a “two-tiered system of justice” in which conservatives often get the short end of the stick.
Bob and Louise Herman reportedly caused ruinous, irredeemable destruction on their teenager's life forever for the fifth time today.
The U.S. Navy announced this week that it would be renaming a ship named for oceanographic pioneer Matthew Fontaine Maury because of Maury’s ties to the Confederacy during the later years of his life.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top