Got to Laugh
Publisher's Note: In this latest submission of funny stuff from Diane Rufino, we take a humorous look at who have become the stupidest people on the face of the Earth - Islamic Jihadists. These quirky folks are the world's slowest, most accessible targets for a variety of reasons, not least of which, they are: racist, sexist, cruel beyond all present day norms, fabulous liars, murderous xenophobes, and, beyond all the aforementioned, and I mention it once again, egregiously stupid.
Suicide Bombers to Go on Strike
London (UPI) - Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. As Amir explained: "It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has gone down due to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
Funny Story #2
A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."
"Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms."
What did the dyxlexic rabbi say after a particularly rough day?
Why did the mafia have Einstein killed?
Because he knew too much.
What is Beethoven doing now?
What do you call a New Zealander with four sheep?
What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
Did you hear about the guy who was half Polish and half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.
Democrats must be better lovers than Republicans. You’ve never heard of a really good piece of elephant, have you?
My grandfather likes to give me advice, but is also a little forgetful. One day he took me aside and left me there.
A man said to his son: “Son, if you masterbate you’ll go blind.”
The son replied: “I’m over here, Dad.”
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold will be the same exact woman.