Not Sure Which Christian Denomination To Join? Here Are The Pros And Cons Of Each

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Not Sure Which Christian Denomination To Join? Here Are The Pros And Cons Of Each

Published: Tuesday, January 30th, 2024 @ 1:57 am
By: Babylon Bee ( More Entries )

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    It can be so confusing, trying to figure out which of the 437 Christian denominations you want to join. In fact, scientists believe there are almost as many denominations as there are genders. That's a lot of different ways to do church!

    Luckily, we're here to help you sort through them all. Here are the pros and cons of each of the major Christian denominations:

    Baptist

    Pro: Potlucks

    Con: Diabetes

    Presbyterian

    Pro: Majestic old hymns that cause your soul to rejoice in God's glory

    Con: You are not allowed to move a single muscle while rejoicing in God's glory

    Lutheran

    Pro: LCMS

    Con: ELCA

    Catholic

    Pro: Pope John Paul II

    Con: Pope Francis

    Non-Denominational

    See: Baptist

    Reformed

    Pro: Learn the doctrines of grace

    Con: Learning the doctrines of grace somehow makes you an arrogant jerk

    Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church

    Pro: Positive, uplifting messages

    Con: Hell

    Evangelical Megachurch

    Pro: Casual "come as you are" mentality

    Con: You are a totally depraved wretch

    Eastern Orthodox

    Pro: Full, robust beards

    Con: The women have them too

    Charismatic

    Pro: Hit your step goal 20 minutes into service

    Con: Non-zero chance of getting knocked over by the pastor and/or bitten by a snake

    Anglican

    Pro: Can have a beer & cigar with your priest

    Con: Decent chance your priest is a drag queen

    Episcopalian

    See Anglican, but read it in an American accent

    Churches of Christ

    Pro: No musical instruments

    Con: This means no cowbell :(

    United Methodist Church

    Pro: Cool logo on church building

    Con: Rainbow flag on church building

    Unitarian

    Pro: You can do whatever you want and there's no God or hell

    Con: Oh no! They're wrong and now you're in hell

That's it. That's all the Christian denominations there are. If your favorite denomination isn't listed, then it does not exist. Hope this helps you pick a church!

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