The Babylon Bee's Predictions For 2024 | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.

    And remember, it's just an election year. How crazy could it be?

    January 3 - Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow

    January 4 - Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency

    January 6 - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again

    January 9 - David French publishes revolutionary op-ed "The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes"

    January 23 - Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable

    February 12 - Los Angeles Dodgers sign all baseball players in existence, including the reanimated corpses of Babe Ruth, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and Ty Cobb

    February 23 - Ozempic revealed to give patients a taste for human flesh, thus ushering in the zombie apocalypse

    February 28 - The population of Mexico reaches 0 as everyone crosses the border into the U.S.

    March 1 - Americans begin migrating to now-empty Mexico in search of a better life


    March 2 - Trump asks Ron DeSantis to be his running mate

    March 3 - Trump tells DeSantis "SIKE!"

    March 31 - Elon Musk fathers 73rd child

    April 1 - Biden announces plans to cut government spending, stop funding foreign wars, and secure our own border

    April 15 - Nothing of note happens

    April 19 - AOC posts something really dumb on X

    April 20 - Joel Osteen posts something really dumb on X

    May 4 - Disney announces all-female Star Wars remake featuring Brie Larson as Luke Skywalker and Lizzo as Obi-Wan Kenobi

    May 5 - Disney stock price reaches all-time low, Disney execs baffled

    May 7 - Obama comes out as even gayer

    May 8 - To raise campaign funds Chris Christie joins OnlyFans


    May 19 - Pfizer accidentally announces vaccine for new COVID variant that hasn't been released yet

    May 20 - Pfizer announces new COVID variant

    June 5 - Trump announces that he has destroyed Hillary Clinton's final Horcrux

    June 7 - Newsom raises fast food worker minimum wage to $1000 an hour

    June 8 - McDonald's raises Big Mac price to $1000

    July 4 - True Americans fire rockets into the sky and barbecue dead animals, giving some a sliver of hope that we might just survive all this

    July 9 - Camper full of meth with license plate HUNTER found on White House lawn, Secret Service unable to identify owner

    July 31 - Global warming causes warm temperatures for 3 months for some reason

    August 1 - After floods, earthquakes, mudslides, and droughts fail, God sends asteroid to destroy California

    August 2 - Steve in Des Moines, Iowa, eats a delicious breakfast burrito and all is well in the world for just a few hours


    August 3 - Steve suffers consequences of eating a breakfast burrito made in Iowa

    August 22 - Massive protests erupt over manufactured controversy to give Democrats steam going into election

    September 2 - Valve Software finally releases long-awaited Half-Life 3, but it's a mobile game with microtransactions

    September 8 - Lizzo eats 3 more backup dancers

    September 27 - Final kid in America becomes transgender, everyone begins detransitioning since now that's rebellious and cool

    September 30 - Aiden of Toledo, Ohio finds a really cool stick in the woods

    October 4 - 162-win Dodgers eliminated from playoffs in first round by 83-win Padres

    November 1 - San Diego Padres win first-ever World Series (writer of this list is just saying stuff he wants to happen at this point)

    November 4 - New pandemic, cyberattack, land war, George Floyd 2.0, global famine, alien invasion, civil war begins

    November 5 - Trump wins election in a historic landslide victory of 128 million votes

    November 6 - Trump preemptively impeached on 52 different counts

    November 7 - Biden declared the winner of the election after 127 million mail-in votes arrived overnight

    November 28 - Biden admin announces that the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has never been lower at $9,628,000 per household

    December 1 - Your wife completes all the Christmas shopping for you, the kids, everyone you know, and herself

    December 6 - Southern California man Kyle wins trivia night at a pub and basks in eternal glory


    December 23 - You wonder if you should get your wife something for Christmas

    December 25 - Google updates their Google Doodle to recognize the historic birth of a genderqueer lesbian artist woman of color

    December 26 - Your wife isn't talking to you for some reason

    December 31 - Despite extensive research efforts, there are still only 2 genders. Weird!

    What do you think will happen? Let us know in the comments!
Go Back

Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )

Epstein List Hangs Itself Moments Before Release Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Claudine Gay Gives Tearful Resignation Speech Entitled 'Gettysburg Address'


Back to Top