Interesting stories in any of our Interesting Times | Eastern North Carolina Now

   Publisher's note: Our friend Gene has sent us another group of interesting stories. A little humor helps us to muddle through.

"The Gunslinger"

    An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

    He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

    As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man can you dance?"

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance ... never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

    The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

    Everybody standing around was laughing.

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

    The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

    "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."

    There are a few lessons for all of us here:

    Don't be arrogant.
    Don't waste ammunition.
    Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    Always make sure you know who is in control.
    And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.

In Today's World Traffic Lights Can be a Challenge

    The traffic light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

    The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

    As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

    He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

    After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

    He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Southern Astrological Signs

    It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

    Okra Dec 22 - Jan 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra has tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

    Chitlin Jan 21 - Feb 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

    Boll Weevil Feb 20 - Mar 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

    Moon Pie Mar 21 - Apr 20 You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

    Possum Apr 21 - May 21 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

    Crawfish May 22 - June 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

    Collards June 22- July 23 Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

    Catfish July 24 - Aug 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

    Grits Aug 24 - Sept 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things that serves you well.

    Boiled Peanuts Sept 24 - Oct 23 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

    Butter Bean Oct 24 - Nov 22 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

    Armadillo Nov 23 - Dec 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.