Venezuela Comically Claims It Repulsed U.S. Invasion | Eastern NC Now

Publisher's note: This post appears here courtesy of the LifeZette, and written by David Kamioner.

    Usually when the U.S. invades you, you kind of get the hint. The process usually involves lots of U.S. Army infantry, air and armor support, and more than a smattering of artillery. The zoomies (USAF), the swabos (Navy), and even the jarheads (no explanation necessary) sometimes get involved if the attack happens on a slow weekend. Throw in the Colombian military and then you have a party!

    Well, that's just what Marxist Venezuelan officials are asserting happened Sunday morning: an amphibious invasion of their worn down poverty-ridden pestilential hellhole by U.S. and Colombian forces.

    The head of the Venezuelan Socialist Party, Diosdado Cabello (kind of like DNC chief Tom Perez, but with a better tan) said, "One of the detainees claimed to be a [Drug Enforcement Administration] official. He participated in DEA operations in America. He is Venezuelan, said by himself. It is sad that those who call themselves Venezuelans are financed by drug trafficking and drug money. Those who assume they can attack the institutional framework in Venezuela will have to assume the consequences of their action."

    Other in-country Marxists claimed to see troops wearing U.S. gear adorned in flag-displaying U.S. uniforms. They described the so far invisible troops as "mercenary terrorists." Hold on. Are these U.S. troops or mercenaries? You can always tell the difference because your typical U.S. Army PFC makes a lot less than a "mercenary terrorist." Plus, the mercenary has a better dental plan.

    Now, as a former soldier with the U.S. First Infantry Division and being of Colombian descent, I rue the fact that the Venezuelans seem to have gotten this wrong. A weekend jaunt to Caracas could be just what the doctor ordered for bored grunts at Fort Riley, my past stomping grounds, or the no doubt tactically proficient, yet hungover, boys in Bogota.

    But alas, me and my cohorts will have to satisfy ourselves with Trump putting a $15 million bounty on the head of Venezuelan socialist tinhorn Nicolas Maduro. Trump has also increased sanctions, cutting off Venezuela's oil sector to choke Maduro from a key source of hard cash.

    So, sadly, no invasion. Though granted the sophomore class of a New Jersey Catholic Girls High School could clean out the Venezuelan Army before breakfast, it still could have been jolly good fun.