A Congress of Baboons versus the Meaning of Life | Eastern North Carolina Now

~Anthropomorphic Nouns~

    We are all familiar with a

    Herd of cows,

    A Flock of chickens,

    A School of fish

    And a Gaggle of geese.

    However, less widely known is:

    A Pride of lions,

    A Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),

    An Exaltation of doves

    And, presumably because they look so wise:

    A Parliament of owls.

    Now consider a group of Baboons.

    Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

    And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

    Believe it or not... A Congress! (Note: I hadn't heard that before, so I looked it up. It is correct)

    A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

    That pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington! You just can't make this stuff up.

Harley Davidson and Women

    Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

    Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

    God says, "Ah, yes."

    "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

    1. there's too much front end protrusion<

    2. it chatters at high speeds

    3. the rear end wobbles too much, and

    4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

    "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."

    God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

Understanding Science

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have aLiverpool.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousyMarx.

    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

    Velcro -- what a rip off!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Will I Live to see 80?

    Here's something to think about.

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I will soon turn Sixty Five)?

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

    She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

    'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

    'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

    'No, I don't,' I said.

    She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

    'No,' I said...

    She looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a crap?'

A Blue Rose

    Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I offered to go to the store for her to get some needed items, which included light bulbs paper towels, trash bags, detergent and Clorox. So off I went.

    I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the checkout counter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over here."

    It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's your name?"

    "My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly.

    "Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but my name is Steve."

    "Steve, like Stevarino?" he asked. "Yes," I answered. "How old are you Denny?"

    "How old am I now, Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle.

    "You're fifteen-years-old Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass by."

    I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement, because he was the centre of someone's attention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.

    Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him.

    I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow, and pink roses in God's Garden; however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a Blue Rose and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.

    She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, "Who are you?"

    Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a dandelion, but I sure love living in God's garden." She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "God bless you!" and then I had
tears in my eyes.

    May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, whichever differences that person may have, don't turn your head and walk off. Take the time to smile and say Hello. Why? What a difference a moment can mean to that person or their family.

    Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to the powers that be.

    If this story touched you today, please consider sharing it with others. It's a good one and don't we hear or read enough awful ones... that this makes a good change? I hope today you can think of the "blue roses" that have made your lives so much fuller!