Are You A Groomer? 9 Things To Look For | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Oh no! Everyone's calling everyone else "groomer" and now we're all confused! Are you a groomer? Is your neighbor a groomer? Let the experts at The Babylon Bee help you sort it out. Here are all the warning signs you may be a groomer:

    1. Do you talk about sex with 5-year-olds behind their parents' back?

    2. Do you begin sentences with, "Don't tell your parents, but..."

    3. Do you encourage kids to cut off their sex organs?

    4. Are you a Disney Executive?

    5. Did you quit your teaching job after they passed the Parental Rights Act in Florida?

    6. Does taking other people's kids to a drag show and calling it a "field trip" seem ok to you?

    7. Are you now, or have you ever been, a politician?

    8. Have you ever helped a child acquire sex hormones without their parent's knowledge?

    9. Does David French think you're a "blessing of liberty?"

    Tally up your number of "Yes" answers and consult this chart:

    1-2: Oh no! You're a groomer!

    3-4: Wow. Definitely a groomer.

    5-6: Yep, still groomer.

    7-8: There's a Law & Order SVU episode with your name on it.

    9: Ok, we're calling the police.