Once-Bustling Mall Now Just 300 Spirit Halloweens And 5 Starbucks | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    SAN FRANCISCO, CA     Times have been hard for Fairfield Valley Shopping Center, with most of its retail stores going out of business over the last few years. According to sources, all vacant spaces are now occupied by either Spirit Halloween or Starbucks.

    "We are proud of our thriving shopping center, home to the most Spirit Halloween stores per square mile of any establishment in the country," said the owners. "Over 300 of the finest seasonal costume superstores give Fairfield Valley a bustling and spooky vibe! Also, you'll run into a Starbucks every 30 feet or so."

    Economic experts say that both Starbucks and Spirit Halloween will soon be the only two remaining brick and mortar establishments in the country after they have finished feasting on the hollowed-out carcass of a crumbling America. "Soon, people will no longer leave their homes, unless they need overpriced coffee or Chinese-made Halloween costumes," said one economist. "Amazon will provide all the rest of our needs."

    At publishing time, Fairfield Valley Shopping Center had added 2 more Spirit Halloweens and a little bodega that sells cell phone cases for iPhone models they don't make anymore.