Seven Beloved Intellectual Properties Amazon Will Defile Next | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Amazon Studios just ruined Tolkien with The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power but you'd better buckle up, bucko, because it ain't over yet.

    Here are some more intellectual properties they're getting ready to defile next:

1. Peanuts: Charlie Brown (born Charlotte Brown) navigates life as a trans person of color.
2. The Lion, The Witch, & The Systematically-Racist Wardrobe: In this new take on the classic story, Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy dismantle the systems of oppression perpetuated by Aslan.
3. Bluey CPS: An award-winning spin-off in which Bandit becomes an abusive alcoholic. Sad.
4. Harry Potter and the Sex-Changing Potion: Anything goes in House Hufflepuff!
5. Scooby-Doo and the Mysterious Case of How Fred Got Monkeypox: Brave and normalizing.
6. All Men Must Die Hard: John McClane is back to roll around in shattered glass as penance for his toxic masculinity.
7. Rocky Title IX: Rocky Balboa is contractually obligated to knock out a woman.

    Wow! Amazing stuff! We can't wait to see how much money they waste on their next colossal failure.