Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
HOLLYWOOD, CA Following declining viewership even amid increasingly grotesque torture devices, the production house for the Saw franchise has announced a reboot for 2023. Citing the audience's reduced appetite for fictional mutilation, Twisted Pictures will set Jigsaw's next outing in Boston's Children's Hospital and feature the psychopathic clown performing gender transition surgeries on minors.
"The audience's response to the traps for the last several films has been lackluster, so we wanted to reinvent the franchise along the lines of a snuff film - with 'Jigsaw' committing acts so horrific they could only be seen in a children's gender clinic,"
said Twisted Pictures executive Joe Mangol to horror magazine Sick N' Nasty. "I guarantee you, the audience won't be ready for the sick, depraved stuff we have planned for this film!"
Leaked drafts of a plot outline reveal that the reboot will culminate in a phalloplasty, where a young girl's arm is skinned, veins and tissue are removed from it, and a fake penis is constructed from the arm tissue and synthetic materials, leaving scarring and a vast array of disturbing side effects. The studio expects test audiences to recoil at the invasive and unnatural mutilation of children but has noted that this matches the film's intended cumulative effect of mounting dread. The early sequences in the movie see Jigsaw star in promotional videos giving sanitized explanations of the procedure over upbeat music, followed by children being inundated with a torrent of propaganda meant to confuse and distress them, finally resulting in them being admitted to Boston Children's Hospital for horrifying, irreversible surgeries.
While most critics have derided the increasingly outlandish torture devices from previous Saw outings, industry analysts expect the return to realism to provide a lift for the franchise. Noted analyst Elias Eggbert Tweeted his explanation of the film's shock value arising from the mismatch between expectations and gruesome reality: "The film's horror is magnified for most viewers, whose only exposure to gender transition surgeries has been from media talking points about 'affirmation' - they will be shocked by the procedure and scarring, side effects, and mental turmoil in the after credits scene!"
At publishing time, "#JigsawWasRight"
was already trending on Twitter, with major corporate news outlets celebrating Jigsaw as a liberator for oppressed trans kids. Twisted Pictures has responded positively to calls for an expanded cinematic universe where Jigsaw can 'affirm more children's truths' by becoming director of clinical health at Boston Children's Hospital.