10 Signs It's Definitely Time To Leave A Church | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    If you've ever wondered if you should leave a church, wonder no more - The Babylon Bee is here to help! Here are 10 solid, biblically-defensible excuses for leaving a church that's not serving you enough:

1. They buy their coffee beans from Costco: +10 points for going whole-bean, but -200 points for going Kirkland Signature. Disgusting! You may as well have gone Folgers or Gevalia!
2. Their Wi-Fi isn't strong enough to check your fantasy football lineup during service: Priorities, people!
3. The guy doing announcements asks you to stand up and introduce yourself: This is really insensitive to the introvert community. You didn't come to church to talk! Boundaries, people!
4. The bulletins always have spelling mistakes: If they get the little things wrong, who knows what else they're getting wrong, hmmmmm?
5. The sermon calls you to repent of your sins, be forgiven, and live forever with Christ: This seems invasive for a first impression, not to mention all the pressure for "membership" and "accountability." What is this, a cult?
6. The elder board won't add your multi-colored end-times chart to the church by-laws: Another reason we should go with "congregational rule" instead of "elder rule" - the customer is always right!
7. Someone confronted you about your incessant complaining about the services and slandering of the leaders: Not very loving or affirming. I even heard they asked one of the leaders to step down after he disqualified himself - again, not very inclusive behavior. Red flag, leave immediately!
8. You weren't invited to lead worship on your first day: Do they even care about people using your spiritual gifts? That double-necked flying-V guitar would sure beat their lame worship leader's pathetic acoustic set...
9. They've asked you to stop blowing your trumpet before you drop your crumpled bills into the offering plate: We want to receive our reward now!
10. The movie clips are all from outdated movies: When the film clips are from pre-1985 franchises, the pastor doesn't have a decent 5-10 minutes of stand-up material, and he doesn't even have a decent-looking pair of shoes, it seems like we need to look for a deeper integrity issue. Aren't there 'qualifications for elders' or something to prevent these oversights??

    And there you have it. Trust us, the list could go on and on - serving, sacrificing, and growing with a community is overrated, so use any old excuse you can find to find a church that serves you - as the old Sunday School song says, "that's what it's all about!"