10 Ways To Make Your Thanksgiving More Historically Accurate | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    We all know Thanksgiving is a time of family and delicious food, but is your Thanksgiving historically accurate? Tap into your heritage and spice up your holidays by making your Thanksgiving more true to history than ever before this year!

    Here are some tips:

  1. Wait for half your relatives to die in the harsh winter before celebrating: You'll have less drama.
  2. Invite famous Native American Elizabeth Warren to bring you a deer carcass: Delicious!
  3. Make the women do all the cooking over an open hearth: And have them ditch the pumpkin pie for a historically authentic eel pie.
  4. Ask Uncle Bob to deliver a 3-hour Puritan sermon before eating: It's better than listening to his political rants.
  5. Weld an oil funnel onto your 12-gauge and go skeet shooting with your new blunderbuss: With a 10-foot spread, you can't miss!
  6. Silence the children with a swift strike upon the cheek: As was Puritan custom.
  7. Have one of the family members wear an authentic buffalo-skin loincloth and give everyone a corn-planting lesson: As long as it's not Uncle Bob.
  8. Get the COVID booster to simulate the feeling of influenza: Wow! This is just how William Bradford must have felt!
  9. Lose a couple of fingers to frostbite: Hey! You have plenty more!
  10. Show more humility and gratefulness than you ever have in your life: Man, those Puritans knew how to be THANKFUL.

    Enjoy!
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