Theologians Confirm Scripture 72% More Powerful When Read In Cool Foreign Accent | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    U.S.     Theologians from seminaries across the country have united in agreement that holy Scripture is 72% more powerful if read in an awesome foreign accent.

    "The sacredness of the Biblical text receives an instant boost when you switch the reader from American to South African" said seminary professor Dr. John Laney. "Praise bands have been taking advantage of this phenomenon for decades."

    Christians have long suspected the power of Scripture could be enhanced by a cool accent, ever since Michael W. Smith had an Australian guy read a Psalm for the "Let It Rain" instrumental bridge. "The effect is truly astounding," said seminarian Clay Markham. "You can take the most mundane Proverb about goats, have an Australian read it, and - BAM! Suddenly, it's super holy. We recommend every church recruit at least one person with a sweet accent for their Scripture readings."

    Although the effect is profound, Dr. Laney stressed that not all accents are equal. "While British, Australian, and most African accents are glory-enhancing, there are lame accents like German or Swedish which have no effect whatsoever," he reported. "Also, we believe the non-descript American Midwest intonation actually dampens the power of God's Word. So, choose your Scripture reader wisely."

    Theologians have also confirmed that soft background music from the praise team increases the power of prayer, unless it's the bass guitar playing.