Revised Hospital Chart Has Patients Rate Pain On Scale From Zero To Watching 'The View' | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    U.S.     The American Medical Association has officially added "The View" to its pain scale to help patients better understand what is meant by the term "worst pain possible."

    "In that case, I guess my pain is a nine," said trauma patient Bill Reynolds, whose femur was currently lodged in his own spleen. "Please change the channel."

    With "The View" as a comparison, the pain rating of horrific injuries has fallen dramatically. "Sure, my skull is shattered - but that seems about half as bad as watching 'The View', so I'll go with a five," said car wreck survivor Glenn Higgins. "In retrospect, I really oversold how bad it hurt when my arm got caught in that wood-chipper. That was more like an eight."

    For years, frustrated clinicians have dealt with errant public understanding of what true, ten-out-of-ten pain feels like. "If you aren't willing to gouge your own eyes out to make the pain stop, it's not a ten," said emergency physician Dr. Kim Bradford. "It's hard to communicate to patients what we mean by that kind of agony, other than watching 'The View'. It's been a really helpful update to our pain scale."

    At publishing time, the AMA was considering changing the number nine slot to "listening to Kamala Harris laugh".