Secret Service 'Unable To Identify A Suspect' In Case Of Ronald McDonald's Missing Hamburgers | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    WASHINGTON, D.C.     The United States Secret Service concluded its investigation into the theft of hamburgers owned by notable clowned man Ronald McDonald after a full-scale search turned up no sign of the missing burger sack or a viable suspect. The Hamburglar was reportedly not questioned to avoid the appearance of profiling or discrimination.

    "We looked all afternoon," said Special Agent Eduardo Grimace, who spearheaded a joint task force with the assistance of Officer Big Mac. "Yes, I saw Hamburglar near the scene of the crime - and yes, he has a history of fast food larceny, but what am I supposed to do - question him? That'd be outrageous."

    "We may never know who stole McDonald's hamburgers."

    The agency denied further rumors that the Hamburglar was caught on CCTV stealing the burgers, placing them into a large burlap sack, and running off while giggling. "I've seen the tape," said Officer Big Mac. "It's a classic QAnon Russian deepfake."

    Mayor McCheese was happy to see the case closed, having previously feared the Hamburglar would be subject to undue suspicion. "Hamburglar doesn't deserve all this attention," said the mayor. "He's the most honorable, decent person I know."

    At publishing time, pictures of Hamburglar taking selfies with McDonald's burgers were leaked to the Internet. "Obviously it was the Hamburglar, you guys!" said Ronald McDonald, cursing the heavens.

poll#185

Regarding the entrenched Two Tier Justice System's handling of the Cocaine Discovery found near to the Situation Room, in the West Wing of the White House: What is your position on, what Eastern NC NOW has coined, The Cocaine Presidency?

  This is a silly over-concern by over-reactive Republicans.

  Never in the history of the Secret Service's protection of the White House, and its inhabitants, has a dangerous narcotic been found in such a secure location, and then so inadequately investigated.

  Drugs are cool, so I might be the wrong person to ask.

294 total vote(s)     What's your Opinion?