'Welp, Time To Get A Riding Lawnmower' Says Man Surveying His 10 Square Feet Of Grass | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    BENTONVILLE, AR     After surveying the ten square feet of grass in his new home's yard, local man Dan Jenkins decided it was definitely time to purchase a riding lawnmower.

    "Yup, time to pull the trigger," said Mr. Jenkins, walking around his little patch of earth. "Probably need one of those zero-degree turn mowers."

    Despite his wife's hesitation, Mr. Jenkins felt sure that the riding mower would save him at least seventeen seconds every time he cut the grass. "It's pretty thick grass, babe," explained Mr. Jenkins. "St. Augustine grass is a brute. It's a great investment in the long run. I think I need to go for the 20-horsepower model to be safe."

    Though not sure the riding mower was entirely necessary, Mrs. Jenkins was reportedly unsurprised by the decision. "When Dan sat on a mower at Lowe's, he looked as content as I've ever seen him," said Mrs. Jenkins. "Last year, we got five pieces of firewood and one was a little big for the fireplace - so, he came home with a new chainsaw. No, I'm not surprised."

    At publishing time, Mr. Jenkins was reportedly riding off into the sunset on his new mower, as happy as a man can be this side of Heaven.