9 New Woke Features In Bethesda's 'Starfield' | Eastern North Carolina Now

Surprise, surprise — wokeness has spread far beyond our own galaxy. With the long-awaited release of Starfield, the science fiction action-role-playing game from Bethesda, hardcore gamers will now be forced to play a game that crams a big steaming pile of WOKE down their throats every time they play

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    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Surprise, surprise - wokeness has spread far beyond our own galaxy. With the long-awaited release of Starfield, the science fiction action-role-playing game from Bethesda, hardcore gamers will now be forced to play a game that crams a big steaming pile of WOKE down their throats every time they play. Truly disgusting.

    As an exclusive here at The Babylon Bee, we present a list of new woke features players can enjoy in Starfield.

  1. You can play as a female character: And she's not even hot. This marks the end of Western Civilization.
  2. All the female characters are voiced by Dylan Mulvaney: This just keeps getting worse.
  3. Before landing on a planet, you must acknowledge it has been stolen from its indigenous people: Space is no place for colonizers.
  4. If you kill a white male, you automatically win the game: We expect speedrunners to take advantage of this.
  5. Loading screens will now feature AOC giving impassioned speeches about the importance of respecting pronouns: Learn how to do better while you progress the game.
  6. All spacecraft are powered by wind and solar: Hyperdrives have been banned.
  7. You will not be allowed to purchase high-capacity magazines: They have also been banned.
  8. All the good factions are represented by the Pride flag: Obviously.
  9. The game will install spyware on your computer that will monitor your internet communications for the rest of your life: Hate speech will get you kicked off their servers!

    Enjoy playing Starfield, but for the love of everything that is holy, don't misgender anyone!
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