45 Things Trump Is Promising For His Second Term | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    It's November! That means it's almost December, which means it's almost 2024, which means it'll eventually be election time. It'll be here before you know it, and former President Donald Trump has rolled out his ambitious agenda once he is inevitably re-elected.

    Through top-secret sources, The Babylon Bee has obtained this list of 45 things Donald Trump is promising for his second term:

1. Put the dollar sign back in Kesha's name
2. Make junk fees greater than ever before
3. Confirm the Star Wars sequel trilogy as non-canonical
4. Invent kosher bacon
5. Make the southern border an epic American Ninja Warrior course so only the best ninja warriors get into the country
6. Require all Marvel superheroes to be male
7. Make McDonald's go back to the old yellow and red color scheme
8. Ban Taylor Swift from attending football games
9. Ban iPad tipping
10. Immediately declare war on California
11. Revoke the license of anyone driving more than 5 MPH under the speed limit
12. Require Starbucks baristas to wear badges stating they are either male or female
13. Close down Domino's Pizza for the good of mankind
14. Only allow real boobs on White House lawn
15. Legalize shooting people if they take off their shoes on an airplane
16. Remove the walk-in tub and changing table from the presidential bathroom
17. Re-designate June as "Heterosexual Pride Month"
18. Paint epic flames on the sides of the presidential limo
19. Appoint Judge Judy to the Supreme Court
20. Re-name Washington football team "Redskins" per request of an overwhelming percentage of Native Americans
21. Ban the sale of firearm magazines that hold less than 30 rounds
22. Classify Applebee's food as hazardous material
23. Double the amount of Robert E. Lee statues nationwide
24. Purchase Canada and make Trudeau pay for it
25. Make talk-to-text in public punishable by hanging
26. Require real estate agents to use the term "master bedroom" again
27. Require watching all seasons of The Apprentice on the U.S. citizenship exam
28. 7-Eleven will only be allowed to serve Big Gulps, nothing smaller
29. Make a federal mandate for the minimum length of neckties
30. Appoint Bill Burr's wife Ambassador to Gaza
31. Take over Japan to secure sushi supply
32. Make everyone involved in his prosecution wear giant banana costumes for the rest of their lives
33. Declare Kid Rock's birthday a national holiday
34. Designate Harvard University as a terrorist organization
35. Secure the permanent return of the McRib
36. Free the space aliens being held captive in Pentagon basement
37. End the bloody civil war between North Dakota and South Dakota
38. Mandate the elimination of all electric vehicles and hybrids by 2027
39. Cancel Amazon's Rings of Power
40. Require all presidential candidates to debate while barefoot
41. Fix Taco Bell's lettuce-to-cheese ratio
42. Provide every household with a free gas stove
43. Replace all water fountains with Diet Coke
44. Require Henry Cavill's mustache to be re-applied via CGI in every frame of Justice League
45. Break out of federal prison

    Talk about an impressive agenda! Now, if Trump makes it back into the White House in a year, you'll know what to expect.