Cybertruck To Come With Deployable Scoop For Removing Climate Change Protesters From Roadway | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    AUSTIN, TX     In addition to all of the exciting features already announced for the Cybrertruck, Tesla has now unveiled a new deployable front scoop to easily remove climate protesters blocking the road.

    "It's an ingenious device," said Tesla Technoking Elon Musk. "Not only will the Cybertruck feature 600 horsepower with a top speed of 112 miles per hour and a bulletproof stainless steel exoskeleton, but it will be the first vehicle to both quickly and efficiently remove pesky climate protesters sitting in the middle of the road. The protester-clearing scoop works in tandem with the Cybertruck's hippie-detection capabilities. We've put the Cybertruck through extensive field testing, including driving it through a huddled mass of protesters in different climate settings. Works like a charm."

    With increasing instances of drivers becoming frustrated by protesters blocking traffic, the Cybertruck presents consumers with a practical solution. "It's about time!" said concerned citizen Josiah Smith. "You know how many times I've been late to work because these climate change yahoos sit in the street and hold everyone up? I have wished I could just run them over, but I don't want to go to jail. As soon as I get a Cybertruck, I can just drive by and chuck them out to the side of the road. I'm sold, Elon!"

    Deliveries on existing Cybertruck orders are expected to begin in 2024, leaving climate change protesters searching for new ways to annoy normal people and make everyone hate them. Currently, they are trying to decide between protesting at grocery store checkout counters or lying down in ambulance bays at hospitals.