Biden Announces Return To Politics With Bid For President Of Shady Oaks Retirement Community | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    WASHINGTON, D.C.     Former President Joe Biden announced his intention to return to the world of politics with a bid for President of Shady Oaks retirement home.

    After taking a couple of months away from politics to mull his future, Biden decided he simply could not stay away, launching a heavily dark money funded campaign to unseat the incumbent Shady Oaks President, Ms. Ethel Wannamaker.

    "I'm coming for you, Ethel," said a fiery Biden at his campaign kick-off. "Under Ethel's leadership, Shady Oaks has descended into bigotry, fascism, and low-quality meatloaf. This is not just a campaign to restore our pickleball courts. This is a campaign to restore the soul of Shady Oaks. We can and will defeat the extremist forces tearing apart this assisted living facility."

    According to internal sources, initial polling is very tight between Biden and Wannamaker, with results currently within the margin of error. "Biden has deep pockets, but Ethel is a veteran," said local resident Dean Markham. "She's not going to back down. The debate next week in the cafeteria could shake things up, but right now, it's a dead heat. Admittedly, polling is quite a challenge as a sizable portion of voters don't know their own names, much less the candidates. It's a real toss-up."

    At publishing time, the Biden campaign had been embroiled in a "extra cobbler for votes" scandal.