To Restore Trust With Americans, FBI Names New Director Burt Macklin | Eastern North Carolina Now | President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization.

Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19)
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    WASHINGTON, D.C.     President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization. Burt Macklin, a 20-year veteran of the bureau, will take command immediately.

    "Burt Macklin, you've done it again," said Burt Macklin with a smirk while putting on his aviator glasses at a public press conference. "You all thought I was dead, didn't you? Well, so did the President's enemies. But now I'm back and on the case!"

    Macklin, a once highly decorated agent who most notably worked on the Peach Pit and Piegate scandals, left the agency years ago after he was framed for a crime he didn't commit - stealing the President's rubies. According to sources, Macklin has since then been working alone and undercover as a regular citizen, Andy Dwyer, in Pawnee, Indiana.

    "As FBI Director I promise not to let you down. But I was wondering where my director chair and that little snap thingy you hold and say 'action' is? Do I get those after my speech or - ?" said Macklin, while publicly addressing the nation. "Restoring trust is my top priority, along with capturing Hitler's one and only daughter, Judy Hitler, and finding the hidden location of her secret necklace that could end the war with Germany. Both are my first top priority."

    Director Macklin, went on to announce that his top agents are currently being assigned to investigate the bicycle that tried to assassinate Biden by making him fall. He also promised to get to the bottom of who is sabotaging the country and weakening us from the inside at every turn.

    At publishing time, his speech was cut short as he held his ear and shouted "suspicious activity!" into an earpiece that wasn't there and suddenly tackled a young girl off the stage. "Macklin, you son of a gun!" he said. "You just saved that little girl from being sniffed by that creepy old dude!"
Go Back

HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

The full measure of Hurricane Ian‘s coast-to-coast trail of death and devastation in Florida was revealed as dawn broke Friday, including at least 19 deaths, countless homes washed out to sea, and millions without power
Stacey Abrams turned the medical world upside-down earlier this week with her revelation that heartbeats are a complete scam, concocted to trick women into thinking babies are alive.
Florida first lady Casey DeSantis announced Thursday evening that within just a few hours of activating the Florida Disaster Fund that more than $10 million has been raised to support communities impacted by Hurricane Ian.
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) said during an interview Thursday night that he believes that there has been “retaliation” taken against FBI whistleblowers who have exposed alleged problems within the Bureau in recent weeks.
Military experts believe the Russian war effort may be in trouble after Vladimir Putin was seen attempting to teach polar bears how to drive tanks.
The U.S. Senate passed a stopgap bill Thursday, seeking to avoid a partial government shutdown while also sending billions of dollars more to Ukraine.
Sunday is the least popular day to vote in most counties that offer one-stop voting on those days
Vice President Kamala Harris (D) faced mockery Thursday over a series of events that unfolded during her trip to South Korea.
Local man John Falco received the tragic news today from his doctor that all the things happening to his body are completely normal, he's simply 40 years old now.

HbAD1

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) claimed during a House hearing Thursday that abortion was an economic issue because if women are not allowed to have an abortion, then parents are effectively “conscripted” to work against their will.
Big Tech is a govenrment actor and violating our free speech rights
Ian expected to strengthen into Category 1 Hurricane before making landfall in South Carolina
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (R) has provided an update on estimated fatalities as a result of Hurricane Ian after Sheriff Carmine Marceno said during an interview Thursday morning that he believed hundreds of people had been killed.
If you've ever wondered if you should leave a church, wonder no more – The Babylon Bee is here to help! Here are 10 solid, biblically-defensible excuses for leaving a church that's not serving you enough:
The Biden administration is signaling that it wants to blunt any rightward turn by Israel in the event that Benjamin Netanyahu returns to power, singling out one potential ally of the former prime minister as “a huge problem for us.”
A second Raleigh healthcare company executive has pled guilty to defrauding the Medicare system for millions of dollars.

HbAD2

A medical doctor at Planned Parenthood falsely claimed during a House Oversight Committee hearing on Thursday that men can get pregnant and have babies.
Former President Bill Clinton (D) told CNN this week that there was a limit to how many migrants the U.S. can take in before the country experiences a severe disruption which flies in the face of what other Democrats have advocated for.
"In the end the whole point of doing it is so that you get a sample that is representative of the electorate,” said Brock McCleary, vice president of Cygnal Polling and Analytics
A video posted on social media by law enforcement in Lee County, Florida, showed massive devastation from Hurricane Ian throughout the area surrounding the coastal city of Fort Myers.
Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates, the world’s fifth-richest man, thinks that Communist China should be praised for the way it has handled poverty.

HbAD3

 
Back to Top