Methuselah Broke After 700 Years Of Writing $5 Birthday Checks To Grandkids | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    MESOPOTAMIA     Local patriarch Methuselah has lost all of his wealth after enduring several centuries of writing $5.00 birthday checks to grandchildren. The aged man, who claims to be almost a thousand years old, has since filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy and will have his assets liquidated.

    According to sources, Methuselah's financial trouble first became public knowledge after a $5.00 birthday check to his grandson Noah bounced. Noah's birthday was ruined.

    "What am I supposed to do?" Methuselah told bankers. "Not write checks to my grandchildren? It's one of the chief patriarchal responsibilities!"

    With his bank account shut down and no way to pay recurring bills, his grandson Noah helped the elderly patriarch file for bankruptcy.

    "It's really not fair," Methuselah wrote in his application for bankruptcy. "My father was caught up to Heaven when he was still a young 365-year-old man. My inheritance was minimal!"

    City officials have reportedly met with social workers in an attempt to better understand the hardships of the 969-year-old man and provide him with basic assistance.

    Attorneys specializing in elder law have offered their services to help Methuselah restructure his debt by mapping out his family tree. They argue that no one could withstand the financial burden of so many grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. It has been argued, therefore, that debt forgiveness by King Ubara-Tutu must be delivered forthwith.

    At publishing time, Methuselah revealed his reasoning for asset forfeiture rather than restructuring his debt. "Everything's going to be underwater soon anyway."