Horrified Balenciaga Teddy Bear Can't Remember Safe Word | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    PARIS     A teddy bear became seriously injured Sunday night when it couldn't remember the right safe word during a progressive bondage-themed photoshoot for kids at Balenciaga headquarters. Ambulances were dispatched to the scene where they treated the innocent toy and transported it to a nearby teddy-bear hospital.

    The bear, identified by authorities as Jacque, was reportedly told to say "Papaya" when things got too rough but kept screaming "Help!" instead.

    "We cannot accept responsibility for a cute teddy bear forgetting the safe word," said Balenciaga CEO Marquis de Sade. "What an amateur! [French laughter]!"

    The stuffed animal was reportedly surprised by the adult nature of the photoshoot but felt compelled to participate due to contractual obligations. Jacque could not be reached for comment due to being an inanimate object.

    Authorities are currently investigating the matter but are likely not to find fault as that would adversely affect rich and powerful pedophiles. Rather, it is being suggested that the bear should "lighten up" and be more "open-minded."

    Jacque the Bear remains in critical condition.