40 Foods That Will Definitely Kill You | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Being alive is hard. If you don't eat, you die. But, if you eat the wrong thing, you also die. So be careful out there, friends. What you're eating might be literally killing you!

    Do not eat these foods or you will surely die:

1. Fatty foods
2. Non-fat foods
3. Gluten
4. Gluten-free food
5. Taco Bell's new Cheesy Chipotle Arsenic Wrap
6. Red meat
7. White meat
8. Green meat
9. All other types of meat
10. Vegetables
11. Carbonated beverages
12. Expired food
13. Tofu
14. Lamb, if it's holding a shiv
15. Seed oils
16. Non-seed oils
17. Rat poison
18. Corn syrup
19. Maple syrup
20. Sugar
21. Artificial Sweeteners
22. Oats
23. Boats
24. Steamed hams
25. Dairy products
26. Almond milk
27. Soy
28. Grains
29. Nuts
30. California Raisins
31. Other raisins
32. Any food you have to chew
33. Any food you have to drink
34. A rich pasta with a spicy meat-a-ball
35. Eggs (not that you can afford them)
36. Vegetables
37. Humans
38. Fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
39. Other fruit
40. Water

    Stop eating all these things immediately if you want to live.