Godless Commie Only Does Sparklers On Fourth Of July | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    AUSTIN, TX     Local commie Landon Rawls put his hatred for freedom on full display today, making a mockery of America's birthday by lighting nothing but a sparkler.

    "No Roman candles - not even a Black Cat," said neighbor Darrel Richardson disgust. "It's like he spit right in the face of Lady Liberty."

    According to witnesses at the fireworks stand, Mr. Rawls refused repeated requests from his children to buy cool stuff to blow up for America. "When Mr. Rawls came to the checkout with just sparklers, I was disgusted," said cashier Randy Billing. "If you hate freedom, move to China and be done with it. But don't disrespect America with a sparkler."

    Mr. Rawl's children reportedly waved their lame sparklers around on the driveway for thirty seconds, then retreated to the garage in utter shame. "Maybe Dad is really a woman," said ten-year-old Stephen. "I guess that's a thing now. I don't know how else to explain it. Safe to say, I'm calling Child Protective Services soon as I get inside."

    At publishing time, neighbors reported that after setting down his dumb sparkler, Mr. Rawls resumed drinking his Bud Light.