After Discovering Cocaine In The White House, Biden Promises To Fix Immigration, Inflation, The Ukraine War, Student Debt, Climate Change, Hotel Fees | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    WASHINGTON, D.C.     In a sudden flurry of moves declared by members of the administration to be a "total coincidence" in the wake of cocaine being discovered in the White House, President Joe Biden has promised to fix the immigration issues at the southern border, reduce inflation, end the Ukraine-Russia war, eliminate student debt, reverse climate change, eradicate hotel junk fees, fund all new infrastructure initiatives, balance the national budget, and redesign the White House Rose Garden by 4 A.M. tomorrow morning.

    "Listen up, folks!" Biden said frantically with wide-open, bloodshot eyes. "It's - sniff - time to stop fiddling around with all this other malarkey and get - sniff - down to business. I have authorized my administration to immediately get to work on - sniff - a number of important projects. We'll have everything completely - sniff - fixed before the sun comes up tomorrow morning! I've never felt so alive in my whole life! Neefarbingrizzle! Wooooooo!"

    Congressional Republicans expressed suspicion at the President's sudden burst of energy. "It's very unlike President Biden to show such vigor," warbled Senate Minority Leader and cocaine expert Mitch McConnell. "I'm used to seeing this type of behavior, but not from Joe Biden. Other members of the Biden family, yes. Various members of Congress, absolutely. The riff-raff lining the streets of every city in America, certainly. But President Biden hasn't had this much energy since the Nixon administration."

    At publishing time, top officials of the Biden administration were scrambling to keep up with President Biden, who was reportedly last seen sprinting from the White House to the Texas-Mexico border on foot.

poll#185

Regarding the entrenched Two Tier Justice System's handling of the Cocaine Discovery found near to the Situation Room, in the West Wing of the White House: What is your position on, what Eastern NC NOW has coined, The Cocaine Presidency?

  This is a silly over-concern by over-reactive Republicans.

  Never in the history of the Secret Service's protection of the White House, and its inhabitants, has a dangerous narcotic been found in such a secure location, and then so inadequately investigated.

  Drugs are cool, so I might be the wrong person to ask.

294 total vote(s)     What's your Opinion?