Archaeologists Discover Samson’s Bottle Of Herbal Essences | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    ISRAEL     The archaeological world celebrated a remarkable discovery this week, as an excavation team announced the discovery of a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo believed to have belonged to the ancient biblical hero Samson.

    "We now know Samson's hair smelled delicious," said Dr. Rupert McClanahan, lead researcher on the site. "It has long been understood that Samson sported a full, thick head of hair, but now we can say with near certainty what he used to keep his flowing locks fresh and clean."

    Though the biblical account is unclear, it has long been assumed that Samson, an Israelite judge, must have adhered to a strict hair care routine. "The guy's entire identity was wrapped up in his hair," Dr. McClanahan explained. "It stands to reason that he would devote a sizeable amount of attention to maintain it. If you want to have the right volume, shine, and bounce, you turn to Herbal Essences."

    Though the bottle archaeologists found was Mango & Potent Aloe-scented, it is speculated that Samson likely used several different scents. "We don't believe this was his only bottle," Dr. McClanahan concluded. "With a man as handsome and...well...socially active as Samson, it would make sense for him to change up his fragrances every now and then. For the ladies."

    At publishing time, the team was continuing to dig around the region in an effort to uncover any bottles of conditioner Samson may have used, as it is believed his unusually long hair would need extensive attention to guard against tangling and breakage.