The New York Times And 8 Other Great Toilet Paper Alternatives | Eastern NC Now

Everything's more expensive in this economy, including toilet paper! If you're looking to save some money on pricey bathroom tissue, here are a few equally viable alternatives for wiping your posterior.

ENCNow
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Everything's more expensive in this economy, including toilet paper! If you're looking to save some money on pricey bathroom tissue, here are a few equally viable alternatives for wiping your posterior.

    Use these today and start saving:

  1. The New York Times: Starting with the obvious one here. This option is probably more expensive, but totally worth it.
  2. US Currency: Soft, strong, and utterly worthless!
  3. Expired Biblical prophecy books: It's probably safe to go ahead and use that book about Yasser Arafat being the Antichrist.
  4. US Women's Soccer Tickets: We think they're selling for around 5 cents per yard now.
  5. Any Stephen King novel written after 1996: What else are you gonna do with them? Read them?
  6. A copy of The Babylon Bee Guide to Gender: Buy several copies so you don't run out!
  7. That $300 parenting course that promised the perfect child in 20 days or your money back: Wipe your behind with their LIES.
  8. The scripts of all the Disney Star Wars TV shows: They're just on a flash drive, so it's more a symbolic gesture than actually helpful, but still a worthwhile statement to make.
  9. Nothing at all: California unhoused persons only.

Go Back

HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Voting is 100% voluntary - the cost is negligible, but the value is immeasurable!
Questionable finances, corruption and dictatorship round out another Executive Committee meeting.

HbAD1

illegal migration also drives up healthcare, insurance, and other costs for Americans
America's formerly greatest museum has become a bad political joke
illegal alien "asylum seeker" migrants are a crime wave on both sides of the Atlantic

HbAD2

says foreign ties of Democrat Socialists of America need to be investigated
massive data collection by license plate readers on highways and streets threaten freedom

HbAD3

“I’m from America, 250 years ago we were way bigger than 6/1 dogs, and look at us thriving now.” Justin Gaethje pulls off an all time sports upset.
There are many people who overlook the brilliance of the US Constitution. They argue that it is outdated and unfit to adequately govern such a modern nation as ours in the 21st century.

HbAD4

 
 
Back to Top