Ohtani Signs With Dodgers For $700 Million, Will Receive 58 Bucks After California Taxes | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on Eastern NC NOW with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    LOS ANGELES     Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani signed a record-shattering $700 million contract today with the Los Angeles Dodgers, which will net him about 58 bucks after taxes.

    "I am very happy to have signed the largest baseball contract of all time," said Ohtani through an interpreter. "I am thankful the Dodgers believe I am worth $700 million, which I am told after taxes will allow me to purchase two full-size sandwiches from Jimmy John's. I am hoping to finally try the Italian Night Club."

    Considered by some to be the most talented baseball player in history, Ohtani will earn $70 million each year for the next ten years. "After taxes, it comes out to about six bucks per year, so Ohtani may have to wait a couple years if he really wants to spring for a full-size sandwich," said commentator Bob Costas. "Now, if he wants to go for one of the 'Little John' sandwiches, that may be in range right away. On the other hand, if we're adding 'Jimmy Chips' and a drink, we're talking three years in at best."

    While some have questioned the Dodgers committing such an incredible amount of money to one player, the front office has said the decision was a no-brainer. "Shohei Ohtani is truly a generational talent," explained Dodgers' controlling owner Mark Walter. "$700 million is an astronomical figure, but we were committed to paying Ohtani enough that post-tax he could one day enjoy a Jimmy Pickle. It's been his dream since childhood, and today is a dream come true."

    At publishing time, Ohtani had found himself homeless after California had announced a one-hundred-percent tax on anyone making more than $10 million per year.
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Walmart Replaces Smiley Face That Rolls Back Prices With Frowny Face That Rolls Prices Forward Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Phil Vischer Releases VeggieTales Episode 'LarryBoy And The Dangerous Christian Nationalists'


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Biden abuses power to turn statute on its head; womens groups to sue
The Missouri Senate approved a constitutional amendment to ban non-U.S. citizens from voting and also ban ranked-choice voting.
Democrats prosecuting political opponets just like foreign dictrators do
populist / nationalist / sovereigntist right are kingmakers for new government
18 year old boy who thinks he is girl planned to shoot up elementary school in Maryland
Biden assault on democracy continues to build as he ramps up dictatorship
One would think that the former Attorney General would have known better
illegal alien "asylum seeker" migrants are a crime wave on both sides of the Atlantic
UNC board committee votes unanimously to end DEI in UNC system

HbAD1

Police in the nation’s capital are not stopping illegal aliens who are driving around without license plates, according to a new report.
Davidaon County student suspended for using correct legal term for those in country illegally
Lawmakers and privacy experts on both sides of the political spectrum are sounding the alarm on a provision in a spy powers reform bill that one senator described as one of the “most terrifying expansions of government surveillance” in history
given to illegals in Mexico before they even get to US: NGOs connected to Mayorkas
committee gets enough valid signatures to force vote on removing Oakland, CA's Soros DA
other pro-terrorist protests in Chicago shout "Death to America" in Farsi

HbAD2

Only two of the so-called “three Johns” will be competing to replace Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) as leader of the Senate GOP.
House Judiciary Chair Jim Jordan (R-OH) is looking into whether GoFundMe and Eventbrite cooperated with federal law enforcement during their investigation into the financial transactions of supporters of former President Donald Trump.
Turkish diplomatic sources say he did
Popularity of government leader crashes, even among his own party members.
Wisconsin voters ban private money, nonprofits from the election process after 2020 ‘Zuckerbucks’ controversy; spotlight now on 22 states that still allow it.
6 month old baby fighting for life after mother killed; policewoman finally arrives, shoots knifeman

HbAD3

 
Back to Top