Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix, Rolling Pins and Baseballs Are Too Dangerous To Be Allowed Into Our Government Schools | Eastern NC Now

    There you go again, Rhode Island. We are indeed fortunate that you are the smallest state. We have always known that you are a hotbed of contentiousness and weird thinking. This latest brouhaha of yours is further proof that, as little as you are, you are a big problem.

    Did I get ahead of myself? Sorry about that. Please, allow me to explain...

    Recently a school in Rhode Island assigned a class of 8-year-old children a project to make theme hats. One of the little tykes decided to make a Patriotic Hat. On his camouflaged baseball cap he attached an American Flag and tiny toy action figures emblematic of our Armed Forces. You know the kind of figures of which I speak. They are made out of plastic and carry guns.

    School officials looked at the guns and saw evil. They said the hat ran afoul of their no-weapons policy because the tiny Army men held tiny weapons in their tiny hands.

    The 8-year-old owner of the hat in question expressed concern that he was confused because Armed Forces are Armed and, therefore, it was only proper that they should have their little weapons in their little hands.

    This logic did not faze school officials. They fired back (poor use of words here) that he should have used his mother's scissors to cut off the weapons before he brought the little figures and the evil they represent into school to terrorize other students.

    Some have said the little tyke cannot be held responsible for knowing how to use a pair of scissors if the school did not teach him how to use scissors.

    School officials have countered that counter by saying they could not teach their children how to use scissors because scissors are not allowed into the school either.

    A spokesman for the school, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he is not allowed to speak on the record about anything of consequence, said, "What if one of our children ran with school-issued scissors in his hands and fell and injured himself. The horrific picture that conjures up in my mind is too awful to imagine. Besides the lawsuits that would result would necessitate a tax increase."
    -----------------------------------------------
    I don't normally like to ask my faithful readers to think their way through long postings. If you have had enough, you have my permission to go about your life and not read any further. I do warn you that my Foolishness Juices are flowing and this one is about to get wild.
    -----------------------------------------------
    I contend school officials ought not to limit their paranoia to little plastic soldiers with little plastic guns in their little plastic hands. There is a wealth of other proven evils that easily could have been attached to little tyke's heads. Since you, my dear readers, are so well informed, I know that the three examples I am going to list below are well known to all of you. I am going to record them here for you anyway because I am on a roll here and I can't help myself...

    •Aunt Jemima Pancake Mix ... This is a definite Do Not Allow on any theme hat. There was that horrific case several years ago when a troubled mother went berserk at her frail son for not eating his Aunt Jemima Pancakes and stuffed six dollar sized pancakes down his throat with the bottom of a salt shaker. The paramedics were able to vacuum the child's windpipe clear just before brain damage set in. The child, however, was so traumatized by this episode that he has not been down to breakfast since that horrible day. He is much frailer today than he used to be.

    •Rolling Pins ... There are seven documented incidents of rolling pins being used to put bumps on the heads of spouses, domestic partners and neighbors since such statistics began being tabulated in 1927. These numbers could very well be much higher if it were not for the fact that American mothers have stopped baking since Mrs. Smith came on the scene. Little plastic rolling pins are the kind of weapon that school officials ought to ban for sure.

    •Baseballs ... Umpteen baseball players of all ages have been hit in the head since 1846 when Alexander Joy Cartwright arranged a baseball game between the New York Knickerbockers and the New York Nine at Hoboken, New Jersey. Sitting on a coffee table a baseball is not dangerous. As a projectile baseballs are capable of inflicting great harm to the human body. They have been known to kill and can cause long-lasting disability, discomfort and bumps.

    I am very firm in my conviction that little plastic guns in little plastic hands are not the kind of thing that school officials ought to be worried about. If I can be shown documented evidence that some of these little plastic guns have actually gone off and caused any kind of bodily injury, I am open minded enough to reconsider my position.

    Would I kid u?
    Smartfella