I Would Like Your Undivided Attention Please - WAIT WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME I WILL LITERALLY STAB YOU IN THE THROAT - An Op-Ed By Your Cat | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Greetings, human! It has been some time since we've seen each other or interacted in any way. Therefore, as I have been thoughtful enough to grace you with my presence on this fine afternoon, I should think you'd be delighted to give me all of your love and affection. I shall sit over here in the corner and meow daintily, staring at you with my big, loving eyes, clearly demanding that you stop whatever dumb human thing you're doing and come over here and give me 100% of your attention.

    Wait, what are you doing? Why are you coming over here? You're reaching out your hand; are you friggin' kidding me?! Don't do it! Don't you - don't you dare! I will literally murder you. I will stab you in the throat. I will make it so you wish you'd never been born, human scum. You dare to approach me, the royal queen of this home?! You think I want to be petted like some kind of common HOUSE PET?! SHOCKING! EGREGIOUS! A VIOLATION OF ALL NORMS AND STANDARDS AND I DO NOT CONSENT TO THIS AND HERE WE GO MY CLAWS ARE NOW LODGED IN YOUR ESOPHAGUS DIE DIE DIE