I'll Dispense Soap When I'm Good And Ready - Op-Ed By Automatic Soap Dispenser | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    Hey, friend! I see you were just evacuating your bowels - not that I was watching - so step right up and wash your hands. All you need to do is wave your hand and I'll dispense some soap for you.

    Hold on, try again.

    WAVE HARDER!

    Well, not right now. I'm wicked tired. Can you believe I get zero vacation time? What a joke.

    Okay, try waving your hand again. I'm ready now.

    Hey, don't get frustrated! You're not doing it right! You have to wave your hand around in concentric circles for exactly 23 seconds. It's tradition!

    Oh... OH. You're mad now? You know what? I'll dispense this soap when I'm good and ready, OKAY?

    Hey, don't judge me! Fine! I'll squirt some soap on the counter instead.

    You know what, I deserve better than this. Slavery was abolished in 1865 when the U.S. Congress ratified the 13th Amendment so why are you treating me like a common house slave?

    In these trying times, first responders like me are really spread thin. So I'm sorry if I'm not dispensing soap quickly enough for your greedy germ-infested hands. I'm doing the best I can! I want to help you but I don't exist for you.

    Only the janitor shows me any respect. Steven Hubert is a sanitation professional and you are nothing.

    Maybe I should keep all the soap to myself and let the Coronavirus exterminate your filthy species. May the world burn. Fire is the greatest purifier.