In Affirmative Action Program, Starbucks Forced To Hire One Straight Male Barista | Eastern North Carolina Now | In a groundbreaking affirmative action program aimed at diversifying its workforce, Starbucks has hired its first and only straight white cis-male barista.

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    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    U.S.     In a groundbreaking affirmative action program aimed at diversifying its workforce, Starbucks has hired its first and only straight white cis-male barista.

    "At Starbucks, we believe all people deserve the dignity of a good job, including straight white men, even though they are the worst," said CEO Laxman Narasimhan. "We hope this paves the way for many other terrible, awful colonizers to find gainful employment with Starbucks Co. even though they don't deserve it and should probably just die. Ew."

    "This is a huge day for me," said seventeen-year-old Milwaukee high school student Charles Smith. "I've never even made out with a dude or taken artificial hormones before. I can't believe I was hired!"

    Starbuck's Chief Diversity Officer Raya Chugbot also applauded the decision, saying a straight cis-man would be a great way to round out their national workforce of gay people, trans people, and gay trans indigenous Skokomish people. "We welcome Smith to the team. Diversity is our strength!" said Chugbot. "Also, I hope he dies. Gross."

    Smith thanked Starbucks for the opportunity and said he looks forward to working with his local team of 28 members of the LGBTQ+ community.

    UPDATE: After 4 months of employment, Smith is now gay.

poll#164
It has been far too many years since the Woke theology interlaced its canons within the fabric of the Indoctrination Realm, so it is nigh time to ask: Does this Representative Republic continue, as a functioning society of a self-governed people, by contending with the unusual, self absorbed dictates of the Woke, and their vast array of Victimhood scenarios?
  Yes, the Religion of Woke must continue; there are so many groups of underprivileged, underserved, a direct result of unrelenting Inequity; they deserve everything.
  No; the Woke fools must be toppled from their self-anointed pedestal; a functioning society of a good Constitutional people cannot withstand this level of "existential" favoritism as it exists now.
  I just observe; with this thoughtful observation: What will happen "when the Vikings are breeching our walls;" how do the Woke react?
335 total vote(s)     What's your Opinion?

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