Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
Elon Musk is in charge at Twitter - let that sink in for a moment! Unfortunately for many workers, he has already announced plans for mass layoffs of positions due to redundancies, inefficiencies, and unnecessary perks. Here are the positions we think are on the chopping block as Elon starts tightening up the ship:
- Nap Coordinator: They make sure the beds are made between bunk changeouts and everyone gets tucked in tight for their naps.
- Safe Space Crayon Sharpener: Dull crayons are traumatizing.
- Assistant To The Backup Yoga Instructor: How will they instruct yoga without an assistant?
- Todd: Get him outta here, along with Steve!
- Chinese Communist Party/DHS Liaison: Due to the surprising overlap between these teams, only 19 employees were affected.
- The 5,498-Person Department That Counts The Letters In Each Tweet Before You Can Send It: Apparently, computers can do this now.
- Break Room Sommelier: Gone, along with this unnecessary wine taster's massage therapist!
- Rooftop Cornhole Sideline Referee: No longer needed since the rooftop is now a SpaceX launchpad!
- Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Enforcer: This eliminates the employee headcount by 38 people, all replaced by one Senior VP Of Basedness - who looks suspiciously like Elon in his SNL Mario mustache.
- CEO: Fired & replaced!
- The Janitor's Personal Chef, Caviar Spreader, And Manicurist: 3 positions eliminated in one fell swoop.
- AOC Tweet Grammar Corrector: This was one of the only jobs that took a full 8 hours per day to complete.
- All Emotional Support Animal Handlers: This includes dog walkers, emotional support ferret feeders, therapeutic goat massage artists. Sad!
- In-House Grooming Representative: Protecting the civil rights of America's groomers!
- Pronoun Consultants: 300 people with this job description? Seems excessive.
- In-House Gender Reassignment Surgeon: Employees will now have to get their gender changed at the clinic across the street.
- Liberal Tears Wiper: Replaced with boxes of Kleenex. Brutal.
- High Five Coordinator: Will be replaced with drill sergeants armed with Musk flamethrowers for maximum intimidation.
- Bathroom Constipation Counselor: This important employee cheered people on in the stalls shouting: "You can do it!" They are no longer needed as bathroom breaks are now forbidden.
- 5th Floor Janitor, Who Just Happened To Be Doing A Terrible Job And Really Needed To Go: He was really on his way out anyway.
- Smoothie Raspberry Seeds Removal Specialist: This lady removed all the raspberry seeds from the smoothies by hand so they wouldn't get stuck in people's teeth. So nice!
- Hunter Biden: Hey, how did he get on the payroll??
- Shadowban Division: Woah, your crazy MAGA uncle is trending again!
- Smash Bros. Tournament Organizer: Sad to see him go.
- Director of Reparations: This person walked around the office stealing office supplies from white people to give to BIPOCS.
- Drag Show Event Planner: IS NOTHING SACRED?!
- Internal January 6 Commission: 1,200 employees, gone like that.
With these lay-offs, experts predict the Twitter workforce to be down to 12 people by the end of this week. Publisher's Note:
This post appears here courtesy of ECU News Services
. The author of this post is ECU News Services
Trustees Leigh Fanning, left, and Cassie Burt joined Chancellor Philip Rogers to sign the Pledge Purple banner before the East Carolina University Board of Trustees meeting in the Main Campus Student Center on Friday. (Photos by Cliff Hollis)
East Carolina University's Board of Trustees on Friday approved the site of a new medical education building on the health sciences campus. Trustees also approved an increase in tuition for several graduate-level health sciences programs and for select student fees for the 2023-24 academic year.
The board recommended increases in tuition for medicine, dental medicine, graduate nursing and physician assistant studies programs, and for student fees for campus recreation and wellness and dental materials. Those recommendations must be approved by the UNC Board of Governors (BOG).
ECU trustees also approved increases to dining plans and transit fees, which don't require BOG approval and will take effect in fall 2023.
The increases are needed to maintain services for students and to help offset rising costs of food and gas, programming, maintenance and repairs, as well as employee wages and benefits, according to board materials. Even with the proposed increases, ECU's tuition remains one of the lowest in the state. ECU's Student Government Association approved a resolution in support of the increases.
Chancellor Philip Rogers said he is mindful of the importance of providing a world-class education and services for students while maintaining a commitment to affordability.
"Earning a degree or a credential is an investment - a personal investment, a family investment, a lifelong investment that pays significant dividends when you attend our institution,"
"We also have a responsibility to be thoughtful about the financial burdens that are realities for many of our students, which is why we have been quite intentional and deliberate in our approach to bringing fee and program specific tuition differential proposals forward in a way that accounts for those goals."
The BOG is expected to consider tuition and fee adjustments early next year.
If approved, tuition for the Brody School of Medicine will increase from $20,252 to $22,252 per year. Brody's tuition is ranked fifth lowest in the United States. Tuition for dental students would increase from $29,944 to $31,444 per year.
Tuition differential increases are proposed in the following programs: master's in nursing; post master's in nursing; doctor of nursing practice (DNP); Ph.D. in nursing; and physician assistant studies. Differential tuition is charged on top of ECU's base tuition and fees for graduate students, which is $7,622 for in-state students and $20,771 for out-of-state students.
ECU's physician assistant (PA) studies program has the lowest tuition of any program in North Carolina. The tuition differential would increase from $3,937 to $7,222 if approved. The increase is for clinical placement sites, a student support position and operating costs.
In fees, students would see a $20 increase per year for transit and campus recreation and wellness. Transit fees would rise from $158 to $178 per year, although the net increase to students would be $16 due to a realignment of off-campus services. Several on- and off-campus routes and services have already been reduced or cut. The last fee increase for transit was in 2016-17.
Campus recreation and wellness (CRW) fees would go from $271 to $291 per year. CRW has already made adjustments to operating hours and reduced staff to offset increased costs. Dining costs will increase up to 4.2% depending on the meal plan.
Facilities and committee updates
In facilities, construction on a new medical education building, 500-space parking deck and utility plant is expected to begin in 2025 with an anticipated completion in mid to late 2027. The planned multi-story, approximately 220,000-square-foot medical education building will be adjacent to the current Brody Medical Sciences Building at Moye Boulevard and North Campus Loop. It is intended to support enrollment growth from 86 to more than 120 medical students per year.
Trustees approved TA Loving/Barnhill/Metcon as the construction managers at risk for the new medical education building. In addition, construction managers at risk were approved for renovations on the Howell Science Building (Muter) and Mendenhall Student Center (Bordeaux).
Also Friday, Rogers recognized Dr. Virginia Hardy, who is retiring as vice chancellor of student affairs at the end of the year after almost 30 years of service. The board passed a resolution honoring Hardy's leadership, support and commitment to ECU and its students.
During committee meetings Thursday, trustees made recommendations and heard presentations focused on student success and engagement.
University Affairs Committee members approved the conferral of degrees for 2,003 students who have applied to graduate during commencement on Dec. 16. The full board also approved the measure.
Dr. Robin Coger, provost at ECU, pointed to many things ECU is doing to overcome challenges to student success, such as providing experiential learning, project and team experiences, engagement with discipline experts and leadership training.
Students joined faculty and staff in a panel discussion about three specific programs - the RISE 29 student entrepreneurship program, Course-Based Undergraduate Research Experiences (CUREs) and the State Employees' Credit Union Public Fellows Internship Program that provides undergraduate students opportunities to work in communities to address a specific need or project.
"These CUREs opportunities gave me a really good chance to get this research aspect and gave me a lot of good relationships not only with the faculty but people in the field,"
said Ben Brisard, an interdisciplinary biomedicine, biology and chemistry doctoral student. "With that, it really helped me land my first job in industry and further led me to the Ph.D. program here."
Dr. Jeremy Tuchmayer, senior associate director of assessment, research and planning in ECU's Division of Student Affairs, presented a program outlining nonacademic issues such as stress and mental health that affect freshmen and prevent them from succeeding. Based on first year assessment surveys, 1,059 students had multiple stressors, and were offered support through special programs and available resources.
The BOT Committee on Strategy and Innovation met over lunch Thursday and hosted a student panel discussion on civil discourse. Current students Kamari Purvis and Montgomery Coudriet, along with recent alumni Mariama Ibrahim and Giovanni Triana, discussed their experience with controversial topics both inside and outside the classroom, as well as on social media. The students agreed that ECU does a good job overall with allowing and encouraging free speech, but that the issue won't get any easier in the coming years.
Purvis said the university should explore additional ways to encourage and engage students to continue their conversations beyond class.
Before the panel discussion, Dr. Timothy Ryan, associate professor of political science at UNC-Chapel Hill, provided an overview of the results of a survey of students at eight UNC System institutions about free expression and constructive dialogue on campus. He said the report found little evidence to support the common narrative of political indoctrination by college professors.
He also identified some of the challenges in ensuring free speech on campus, including the tendency for the conversation to be dominated by the loudest, most passionate voices, which tend to be those with the most extreme positions and not representative of the community as a whole.
Dr. Michael Waldrum, dean of the Brody School of Medicine and chief executive officer of ECU Health, provided the committee an update on the health system integration. Signage continues to be updated throughout the region, he said, and employees are undergoing brand training to ensure that they understand and are comfortable with representing the new, integrated organization.
In other business:
- In the Audit, Risk Management, Compliance and Ethics Committee, trustees approved minor changes to the annual audit plan and heard an update on name, image and likeness compliance from the athletics department. They also heard an update from Dr. Lynn Roeder, dean of students, about student crisis management and the increase in referrals to the CARES and University Behavioral Concerns Team following the pandemic as students readjusted to living on campus and being together after more than a year apart - 1,152 CARES Teams referrals in 2021-2022 compared to 521 in 2020-2021 and 805 in 2019-2020. "We knew it was coming," Roeder said. "What was surprising was the severity of it."
- The Athletics and Advancement Committee learned the Pursue Gold Campaign has raised $421 million to date. The committee recommended, which was approved by the full board, naming the chair's suite in family medicine in honor of Dr. James Jones, and Gate 8 at Dowdy-Ficklen Stadium for the Greene family.