Man Who's Already Purchased Product Just Wants The Ads To Stop | Eastern NC Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    ST. PAUL, MN     Having purchased a standing mixer for his wife last month, local man Jared Simmons has found himself unable to escape a virtual blitzkrieg of standing mixer advertisements.

    "It's over, KitchenAid!" screamed Mr. Simmons, as Facebook unleashed seventeen more ads. "I already bought the dang CuisinArt!!"

    After spending roughly forty-five seconds comparing ratings on Amazon, Mr. Simmons selected his wife's birthday present one month ago to the day. "My life has been a nightmarish parade of cooking utensils ever since," said Mr. Simmons. "I'm not buying another mixer for at least a decade, hopefully ever. It's not a freaking banana, ok? Sure, show me more bananas. Maybe I'll buy another bushel next week, when these are black and in my freezer for my wife to supposedly make banana bread with. But I'm NOT BUYING ANOTHER MIXER!"

    At publishing time, Mr. Simmons had opened his mailbox to find four 'Spatula City' catalogues stuffed inside.