'All This Woke Stuff Is Pretty Dumb, Am I Right Fellas?' MAGA Hat-Wearing Bud Light CEO Chuckles Nervously | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    ST LOUIS, MO     As beer sales continue to plunge in the wake of Bud Light's partnership with trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth released a statement to entice customers to start buying Bud Light products again.

    "Wow, all this woke stuff is pretty dumb, am I right, fellas?" said Whitworth, chuckling nervously into the camera. "And this LGBT stuff? Dang! Talk about gay! Go woke, go broke, I always say. Diversity is our strength! Um, I mean, I love America! What do you people want me to say again?"

    "Please buy our beer," said the embattled CEO finally before breaking down in sobs.

    Sources within the company confirmed that execs have been desperately working on damage control since the Mulvaney incident. "We need to make sure people know we're still the iconic American brand they know and love while still reaching out as allies to the LGBTQ+ activists so they don't dock our Corporate Inclusion Index score," said VP Seth Hawkins while shotgunning a beer and releasing a bald eagle for the cameras. "Please don't murder me, trans activists! I have kids!"

    At publishing time, the company announced they had promoted their VP of Marketing Alissa Heinerscheid to President of Office Janitorial Services
Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )



Comment

( May 10th, 2023 @ 9:49 pm )
 
Sippin in the closet for fear they will think I'm a queer



Chicago Mayor Warns That If Local Walmart Locations Close People Will Have Fewer Places To Shoplift Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics Zelensky Drives By In Ferarri To Remind Americans Of The Importance Of Filing Your Taxes


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) doubled down on Tuesday, calling the just-concluded Durham investigation “flawed from the start” and claiming that it had only begun on the political whim of former President Donald Trump.
NC Insurance Commissioner Mike Causey spoke out against an N.C. House bill that would allow Blue Cross Blue Shield North Carolina to create a holding company in which it could move policyholder money.
The second annual Viewpoint Diversity Score Business Index unveiled on Tuesday showed that prominent companies lack commitments to guarantee the First Amendment liberties of their customers and employees, thereby threatening the “fundamental freedoms of every American.”
Despite stern warnings of artificial intelligence attacking humanity's digital infrastructure from the likes of Elon Musk and Bill Gates, artificial intelligence research has yet to be regulated by the government or other entities with oversight power.
A House Republican threw one curveball of a question at Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Chairman Gary Gensler, asking the Biden administration official on Tuesday to answer under oath whether he facilitated payment for British ex-spy Christopher Steele’s now-discredited anti-Trump dossier.
Fox News is reportedly set to replace its entire primetime lineup with three of the network’s biggest hosts, according to a new report.
President Joe Biden and House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) each said on Tuesday that they made progress on debt ceiling negotiations, indicating thaws in an impasse as the nation faces a possible debt default in two weeks.
Amid news that Vice Media is filing for bankruptcy, there is growing concern at the White House that the Biden administration will now have to begin lying to the American people directly rather than doing so more discreetly through Vice Media.

HbAD1

Congressmen Jim Jordan (R-OH) and Lance Gooden (R-TX) issued a joint letter calling attention to the potential use of federal funds to enable illegal immigration into the United States.
When the North Carolina Supreme Court ruled on our state’s voter ID law on April 28th, the justices only had to answer one narrow question: “[Does the voter ID law] violate the meaningful protections set forth in Article I, Section 19 of the North Carolina Constitution?”
Twitter CEO Elon Musk said during an interview Tuesday night that he believes that the U.S. might be on the verge of serious financial issues later this year due to a variety of factors.
The White House is claiming that illegal immigration is now down over 90% thanks to them redefining what illegal immigration is.
A top House Republican wants the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) to clarify what is happening with the criminal investigation into Hunter Biden after lawyers for a whistleblower within the agency claimed his team got removed from the case.
RALEIGH: On Thursday, Governor Roy Cooper released a video outlining the devastating impact Senate Bill 20 would have on women’s reproductive health in North Carolina and calling on several Republican legislators to keep their campaign promises to protect women’s health.
Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: this isn’t a partisan thing.
Carolina Journal’s Editor-in-Chief Donna King hosts a recap of the week’s legislative news with journalists and state policy experts.
One of Australia’s biggest maritime mysteries has been solved with the discovery of a ship that sank 50 years ago, sending its crew on a harrowing journey of survival.

HbAD2

Juneteenth is the fulfillment of the Declaration of Independence.
Fox News settled a bombshell defamation suit stemming from the 2020 election by paying Dominion Voting Systems nearly $800 million just hours after the the beginning of a trial that would have seen some of the cable news behemoth’s biggest stars take the witness stand.
Singer-songwriter Jewel struck a sour note with some people while delighting others with her performance of the national anthem at the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday.
Why on earth would anyone choose either? When will we ever learn
North Carolina Republicans voted to override Democratic Governor Roy Cooper’s veto of a 12-week abortion ban, using their supermajority to put the pro-life measure into law.
An inexplicably-unforeseen outcome has begun to take form since Hollywood writers began their writer's strike to demand more writerly benefits for writers.
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) defended the tentative agreement on the debt ceiling he made with President Joe Biden during a press conference Sunday after criticism from some Republicans on the concessions, saying the deal is “worthy of the American people.”

HbAD3

 
Back to Top