Strange: Female Pastor Gives Hellfire And Brimstone Sermon Once Every Month Or So | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    LAKE FOREST, CA     Parishioners at a local church have noticed a peculiar pattern, as the staff's female pastor preaches a much angrier, "hellfire & brimstone" style sermon every month or so.

    "It's almost like it's in a cycle," said Randy Anderson, a member of 485th Lutheran Church. "She normally preaches very uplifting, practical messages, but every four weeks or so...man...she's like a totally different person up there behind the pulpit."

    Churchgoers began to see a recurring theme shortly after the female minister, Bethany Harris, was ordained and added to the pastoral staff. Pastor Harris has denied any pattern exists. "I do not act or preach any differently," she said defensively after one of her more fiery sermons. "I'm just under a lot of stress right now and I get overwhelmed and nobody understands and I feel so bloated and if these wretched sinners don't repent of their sins right now, the Almighty God will smite them with His wrath!"

    The pattern has reportedly resulted in monthly spikes in the number of church attendees flooding the altar after the sermon and pleading with God to save them. "Every four weeks, a new revival breaks out," said Anderson. "But it only lasts for that week, then it's like it never happened. Weird, right?"

    At publishing time, the church's leadership committee had begun discussing the possibility of adding additional female pastors to the staff, though there was reportedly some concern being expressed that the cycle of fire and brimstone sermons would eventually synchronize.