Why Does Haywire Go Haywire? | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Last year I applied to our Federal Government for a Research Grant of $300,000 to perform a study on a mystery that has baffled mankind for centuries.

    The Government's interest in my research was clear from the beginning because my Government Handler sent a check for the full $300,000 I had asked for by UPS Overnight within days of the submission of my Grant Request.

    Yes, I thought this was a real quick response also but it could simply mean that they pay no attention to whom they give the Research Grant Money. However, I like to think that I had a worthy idea and my government saw the value of my proposed research and, once that value was recognized, they accelerated the approval process to get me working on my important research as quickly as possible.

    Went Haywire...
    The subject of this posting tells you what my research was about. Out on the farms of this great land, when someone cuts the wire that surrounds a bale of hay, that wire immediately springs into a jumbled up mess that is very difficult to untangle (if you were one that takes pleasure in untangling such things).

    It's not just haywire. The same thing happens to electrical wires, earphone cords, rope, etc. Such things are always getting jumbled up and research has shown that untangling them costs American Workers 2.75 Million Man Hours of lost productive work time each and every year.

    My Theory...

    In my submission to the Federal Government I proposed to get to the bottom of this tangled up mess issue.

    My belief was that these seemingly inanimate objects can and do actually move when we are not looking. This movement ends up becoming the jumbled up and hard to unjumble mess we all have come to dread.

    Once I had proven my theory, I intended to set about determining how this age-old problem could be prevented and this gargantuan lost productive time could be eliminated.

    My Plan...

    I went to an Electronics Store and bought a Professional Grade Digital Movie Camera and a Very Rigid Tripod on which to mount it. I went to Wal-Mart and bought a Card Table. Finally, I went to Home Depot and bought a 100-foot Extension Cord.

    I returned home, went in my garage and, in short order, I had set up the camera on the tripod looking down on the 100-foot extension cord (not tangled up) which had been placed on the card table.

    This investment had cost me a pretty penny (about $600) but $600 subtracted from $300,000 left me a tidy profit.

    I then turned on the camera and left the cord do its thing for a full seven days and nights.

    The Results of My Research...

    When I returned to the garage the extension cord was hopelessly jumbled up but the movie showed absolutely no movement of the cord itself during the entire week.

    My Report Back To the Federal Government...

    I am an honest person. I simply called my Government Handler and reported that my experiment was a complete failure. Yes, the cord had gotten tangled up but I had no idea how it had gotten tangled up because it did not move for 7 days and 7 nights.

    I told him that I felt really guilty about taking my government's money and I intended to send back the entire $300,000.

    My Government Handler (really a nice fellow) said to me, "Don't feel bad. And you certainly should not for a moment consider sending back the $300,000. No one ever sends money back to us and, besides, it would greatly mess up our budgeting process."

    He expressed his gratitude for my phone call saying, "You really did not have to go to all the trouble of phoning. No one else ever reports back the results of their research. We just wait a few months and write it off."

    Then the nice fellow really made my day, "Don't worry about your stupid idea turning out to be a really stupid idea. Lots of people never come up with a single stupid idea in their entire logical and clear thinking lives. Keep the money. You deserve it."

    Cashing In On The System...

    I have now decided that I am going to throw off my scruples and cash in on the Government's Free Money Program.

    I remember when I was in the Army a Master Sergeant told me (I was really pleased. Master Sergeants hardly ever talk to 2nd Lieutenants.), "The heck with using a parachute. If ever I have to jump out of a plane, I want to be holding a large tangle of wire. It's bound to get caught up on something on the way down." (He really did not say "heck". Master Sergeants never say "heck".)

    This ought to be good enough for $400,000 Grant from the Federal Government. I used to know how to fly a plane. I could probably still get one high enough so a Jumper/Wire Holder could jump out and help me with this experiment. Any one of you cares to be my Jumper/Wire Holder? I'll give you 15%.

    Would I kid u?
    Smartfella