Holy Humor | Eastern North Carolina Now

   Here below is a compilation of humorous contributions about religion from our friend, Gene Scarborough:

    Holy Humor

    During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

    1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
    2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
    4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.


    Good Samaritan

    A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


    Did Noah Fish?

    A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."


    The Lord is my Shepherd

    A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalms 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalms. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalms 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."


    Unaswered Prayer

    The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.


    Being Thankful

    A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


    All Men / All Girls

    When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


    Say a Prayer

    Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.


    The Bible

    Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have a stroke and never wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to forward this email to others, the devil will discourage you but forward it anyway. "Be Blessed and walk in the knowledge and assurance that GOD is about to turn something around in your life."


    Mosques should be allowed at Ground Zero, in an effort to promote tolerance.
(Muslims are funny, but in a scary way)

    That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

    We could call one of the clubs, "The Turban Cowboy", which would be gay, and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

    Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

    Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

    Next door to the lingerie shop, a liquor store called "Morehammered."

    All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.