Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
The Bible is God's grand message to mankind. It leads us to Christ and and gives us everything we need to be complete, equipped for every good work. But did you know the people mentioned in its pages were real people? It's true! And researchers believe they'd uncovered some fascinating stories about notable biblical figures the Holy Spirit didn't see fit to record.
Here are just a few:
1) When Noah failed to bring his map of the world onto the ark and got lost: He didn't hear the end of it from Mrs. Noah for 40 days and 40 nights.
2) The story of Jesus' little known 13th apostle Todd. He wore a hat.
3) When King Saul packed the courts: He didn't like what the prophet Samuel was saying.
4) The nine lepers who didn't return to thank Jesus later sent him a lovely Applebee's gift card: The Lord re-gifted the card to Lazarus who later died from severe food poisoning.
5) That time Peter took on a dozen Roman soldiers in an epic one-shot hallway fight scene: Awesome! Just not of doctrinal significance.
6) King David's short-lived ska music phase: Lame.
7) When Peter challenged John to a push-up contest after losing the foot race to the tomb: He lost.
8) Since Adam was the first man, he had to invent a ton of stuff but he had no patent office to protect his ideas and they were all stolen: Sad!
9) That time King Solomon had to sleep outside because he accidentally called his 1,200th wife by his 34th wife's name: Boy, was his face red!
10) David missed Goliath's head with his sling the first 12 times and kept saying "Wait a minute, that one didn't count!": If Goliath didn't laugh so much things could have gone very differently.
11) Balaam's donkey kept talking and went on many adventures: He went on to inspire hit video game The Prince of Persia.
12) When Elijah ratioed Israel on Twitter: Then he was banned. Sad!
13) The harrowing tale of Adam and Eve attempting to homeschool all 327 of their kids: Total disaster.
14) The time Abraham had to learn how to change a diaper at age 100: Unpleasant.
15) Joshua's kids got to stay up super late on the day the sun stood still: They were so cranky the next day! UGH!
16) When Jonah's big fish was almost eaten by a bigger fish on their way to speak to the Gungans of Naboo: It's not a tale the prophets would tell you.